"Why does a loving God allow bad things to happen to good people?"

  This story is one I should have shared weeks and weeks ago.  But, as I said the other night, now seems to be "the time," and I'm sure there's some good reason that everything is pouring out of me at once.
  Let me begin by telling you about a friend of mine...well, he started out as a friend of my husband's.  Today, I'm going to call him Dan.  Here is a young man raised in a Godless home.  He has had learning issues and attention issues his whole life.  Dan is put on medication for ADHD at a young age.  Later, he takes medication for schizophrenia. He sees things that aren't really there.  He often cannot complete a thought without being distracted by another.  He rocks back and forth when he sits, he paces when he stands.  He is ostracized by his schoolmates.  He is told he will never reach above a 6th grade level.  He doesn't shower as often as he should.  He is overweight.  No one wants to bother with him.
  But he has one good friend.  One young man who loves Christ has sympathy on this wreck of a boy.  One kind voice invites him to church.  So Dan starts attending a men's Bible study.
  It's been a year and a half since Brad met Dan.  If you had known him before, you wouldn't know him now.  He has gone from someone who was lost in every way possible to someone I love to have in my home.  As the men of the church studied together, this young man who seemed so worthless to the world wormed his way into my husband's heart.   As he has turned his life over to Christ, God has been faithful.  Dan's mind truly has been renewed by the Word of God.  He doesn't take his medicines anymore.  And against all "knowledge" that the doctors have, his symptoms are gone.  Brad has encouraged him and challenged him and taught him as they have spent more and more time together.  He doesn't see things anymore.  He can not only keep his own train of thought, but he can hold entire conversations with groups of people.   He laughs, he jokes, he asks good questions, he even has good answers.  He rarely rocks or paces.  He takes care of himself.  He has lost weight.  He even is looking for a job.  God has made this old, worthless soul new and beautiful!  If that alone weren't enough, God has rewarded Dan's simple, pure, childlike faith with a pure understanding that others often overlook.
  As I have mentioned, Brad and I have struggled with the loss of my voice.  I will write more about this later in the week, but for now it's only a background for the particular conversation I want to tell you about.  Someone, ages ago, had recorded a band practice...or maybe it was a worship service, I'm not sure which.  Either way, there was a CD with about 5 songs with the full band, Brad singing lead and me singing harmony.  Dan doesn't have much that he can call his own, and the movies and music that are in his home are not generally Godly.  So when a friend (probably the same young man who invited him to church) lent him that CD, he went home and played it.  Out loud.  For his whole family to hear.  This happened just a few weeks after my surgery.  Dan had told his family all about the cancer and the surgery and the loss of my voice.  His mom heard the CD and asked who it was.  Dan told her it was the church praise band.  She was impressed by the twist Brad had put on a hymn and she kept listening.  Then she asked, "who is that girl singing with him?"  Dan answered, "Mama, that's Miss Rachel, Brad's wife."  And then came the question.  It has been asked over and over and over throughout time in different forms.  "Why?" she asked "Why would God let her have cancer that would take away her voice?"
  When Dan was telling me the story later, I was asking the same thing.  It was the first time I had heard a recording of us together since all of this happened.  I was hurting, and so was Brad.  It was one of those times when sorrow was blocking out everything else in my view.  But Dan told me the answer, and it brings tears to my eyes even today.  "Well, Mama, see, Miss Rachel's daddy and Mr. Brad don't get along.  At all.  But ever since Miss Rachel had surgery, they do."
  Yes, God used my cancer to heal a greater illness...one that has been in my family for years.  There have been other relationships restored because of this sickness as well.  And there has been a softening all around me.  Something as serious as cancer throws out the stupid, petty differences that we let get wedged between us.  In the grand scheme of things, there are some that just aren't important.  My entire family has felt this, and changed.  I am so thankful.  Thank You, Lord, for giving me this small illness to heal the larger one.  Thank You for chastening my body in order to correct many hearts.  Help me remember this lesson and never doubt Your plan!

A Countdown of Reflections

  This time next week, I will have been in isolation for about 12 hours.  I'm told I probably won't feel well at all (some accounts are very encouraging...they use words like "miserable" and "wished I could puke.").  On top of that, I will be away from my family, which in it's self is enough to worry me sick.  And in the middle of my preparations for the upcoming "vacation," I realize that I have been woefully neglectful of my dear friends.  I have not posted any progress reports or updates for ages.
  Yet, you still pray for me.  I know you do, because I've met so many of you in stores and had cards and emails and notes and phone calls and friends who you run into who you ask about me.  Thank you.  Those moments of pure love have been used by God to sustain me.  I'm doing really well, and I know I have your prayers to thank for it.
  There is a reason I haven't written recently.  One is, there's simply not a lot to say.  It's been a waiting game.  A long, emotion-filled wait.  Nothing big has happened, but a thousand tiny things have flooded me with emotions.  Most of them are negative.  Fear keeps trying to creep in.  Anger, anxiety, confusion...they all take their turn.  I don't deal well with reality, as some of you may know.  I hibernate.  Much reading has been accomplished in the past couple months (my most effective form of hibernation).  I also don't want to be discouraging to anyone who may be about to travel in my footsteps down this same path of cancer...on top of all of that, I am tired.  In preparation for the radiation treatment I'm going to take next Monday, I am starving my body of iodine.  It's not a fun process, and each day I have less energy than the day before.  In the past, I have used my smart phone to post (not a simple task)...the thought of "swyping" all my emotions has just been too much.  But here we are, one week away from the day that has been looming as a dark spot on my horizon since July.  And while I try to straighten my house so the babysitter will be able to find everything, I also need to straighten my emotions and priorities so that I go in as sound as possible; in spirit and mind, if not in body.  Plus, we just had "real" internet hooked to our computer, and my feelings come out so much smoother on a keyboard than the tiny screen of that phone.  :-D
  If I've painted a gloomy picture of me over the last couple months, you only have part of the picture.  Mostly, things have been good.  And those good moments have been providentially timed to raise me from the bad ones.  I have had a lot of time with my family.  It has been so good for me.  Holding my kids, cuddling with my husband, laughing with my sisters and talking (I mean really talking) with my mom for the first time in ages.  I have lost a ton of weight.  27 lbs since July.  Enough that someone sympathetically told me, "I can tell you've been sick!"  The weight loss in someone else might have been scary, but for me it's been thrilling.  I have struggled with losing my "baby weight" for a long time.  I have been careful what I eat...until I give up in frustration because it doesn't seem to matter anyway.  I have had spurts of exercise, but never the energy to stick with it.  All of that can be traced back to the thyroid issue.  I think it was working well enough sometimes, and not well enough others.  Or maybe only half was working, and that half could only give enough for my whole body part of the time, but not most of the time.  This would account for me losing weight and then gaining it back with no apparent change in lifestyle at all.  Also, there have been all of those dear people who have taken time to stay in touch with me.  Personal messages in one form or another that say they care.  I'm not fighting alone.  The faces that flash through my mind as I write this are enough to make me weep for joy.  I do that a lot...the weeping part.  Mostly for thankfulness, joy, love...when it hits me, it is so tangible that my only response is tears.  The other tears, they come when I hold my children, or see pain in my husband's eyes.  This is not an easy road for me, and even so, I often feel that my part in this story is so much more simple to play than his.  I can feel the good changes, while he only sees me going through the hard things.  The weight loss is hard for him to take, because it's happened so fast that I do look ill.  My thyroid medicine helped my energy levels so much, and now I have gone these past few weeks without it, and he sees me getting worn out easier again.  And maybe it's worse now, because I know the cause.  I don't just push myself through like I did before I was diagnosed.  Now I know I'm not going to have the energy, so I don't do as much.  For him, I'm sure it's like watching me get sicker instead of better.
  I'm trying not to be negative, but to still be honest and open with you.  I have so many things to be thankful for.  I really am thankful.  But even while I'm thankful, I have a hard time dealing with some of this.  It is so hard to have no control at all of your future.  Do I trust God?  Absolutely.  Do I have to remind myself every single day that I believe He holds me perfectly in His hand?  Yes, and often several times a day.  The emotions hit me like waves.  I rock and sway violently and get dunked in icy water as they come at me.  I don't just hold onto God as my anchor; I cling to Him desperately, knowing not much more than that He holds me exactly where He wants me.  I don't always have time to recover from one wave before the next one hits.  The sea doesn't always calm between each dunk.  Sometimes the sun stays mostly hidden for days.  And then I feel guilty.  Where is that perfect peace that I had early on?  Has my faith grown weak?  How can it have, when God is the only thing I know is sure?  And just when I think I must be failing Him in my emotionalism, I remember that even Jesus knew sorrow.  He knew anxiety.  The very God-man sweat drops of blood because of His extreme distress.  What a blessed savior!  To endure such agony of mind and spirit as well as body.  To be sure it was recorded so that one day I would read and know that He understands.  Again a wave comes, but this one is warm and soothing and healing as I cling to my anchor.  There are more cold, dark days to come.  But I am not alone.  He has given me people who love me, to cheer me, to hold me, to comfort me, to cry with me, to pray for me.  And He himself has endured much so that I would be encouraged.  And I am.  I will try to post every night between now and when I go in to the hospital next Monday.  I am going to count down this week with reflections of encouragements God has sent my way.  Things I haven't had the emotional stamina to share with all of you until now.  Now seems to be the time.  Now He gives me more calm, more peace, more joy.  I pray these posts will do the same for you.

Finally there are dates!

I had 2 appointments yesterday. One was because I've had an earache off & on for years and no one ever saw anything wrong with my ear. Guess what? That's because there wasn't anything wrong with my ear! I have something not quite right with my jaw, which is causing pain in my ear. The remedy? Pain killers & a liquid diet. At least, that should help it recover from being so irritated. There really is no permanent cure. Mainly I'm just happy to finally know what's been going on.
  The other appointment was with the radiation oncologist. Everything looks good, so we have scheduled the radiation. I have to stop taking my thyroid medicine on October 13th, and begin a low-iodine diet. On November 1, I will have my blood drawn to make sure my iodine levels are low enough for the RAI to be effective (basicly, as long as I don't cheat on my diet, that should be no problem). Then November 5th (a Monday) I will be admitted to the hospital for treatment. I'm receiving the highest dose they're allowed to give (it's double what most thyroid cancer patients get), so my doctor expects me to need isolation until Thursday. A couple weeks after that, they will do a full body scan to see if all the cancer was killed off.
So...now I have dates. It's a bit of a relief to know "for sure" when I'm going in. Also, I will be home to enjoy celebrating my anniversary on October 23. That was my biggest concern, so I'm greatful that my dates are set where they are.
  There are lots of other things on my heart, but I seem to be short on time, so they will have to wait. I know so many of you are praying and waiting for updates. Thank you for loving so much!

Not much news is always nice

  I had another check up with my surgen yesterday. I told him about the acid reflux medicine upsetting my stomach, so he switched me to something else. Hopefully I won't have to switch too many times before we find something that works. :-) He felt along my incision and said that everything in my throat is tight. I have scar tissue, of course, so that's thicker than normal tissue, therefore everything in that area is squeezed a little tighter together. He said that will improve with time. It's also probably making everything a bit more sensitive in my throat, and he said my cough will improve as I continue to heal.
  I see the oncologist later this month. We will do blood work then to see if I'm ready for radiation.  If my levels are right, I will be taken off my thyroid pill for 3 weeks in preparation for the treatment. This (being off the med) will make me miserable, according to everyone who's gone through it before. My surgen said sometimes, in cases as advanced as my cancer got, that additional radiation is needed after the RAI treatment has been done. The RAI is a pill, and one of the easiest and most effective radiation treatments available. But it's possible (actually, he said it's probable) that cancer was headed down from my that area into my chest. So sometimes traditional radiation (actual beams of radiation) is done in the chest area (just below my collarbone). No one is certain that this will be needed, but it's a possibility.
  Things you can pray for: one, that the additional radiation will not be necessary. Two, that the new reflux medicine I'm on will both control my acid and not upset my stomach. Three, that I will get my household prepared (meals, babysitting schedule, etc) for my absence during RAI treatment. And last (and most selfish) that I will not be having my treatment or be sick because of it on our anniversary, which is October 23 (very close to the time I expect to be in isolation). Thank you for your prayers and support. I love you all.

Productive Girl Night

  I had fun tonight. I haven't written in a while because I hate to feel like I have nothing both new and positive to write about. I know people want to be updated, and in that area, I'm sorry for not posting in a while...however, tonight was great, and I feel like sharing.
  I mentioned before that a dear friend of mine spent a week at my house to help me out. While she was here, she cooked up a storm! She left several meals in my freezer (some are still there, but many were so good I didn't wait to eat them!), along with cookies and muffins and frozen veggies from the garden. Mostly what she left me with, however, was knowledge and encouragement. I watched her do way more than I had energy for, but she did it in an efficient way. I knew I could do more, if I followed her example.
  So often I have thought of the Proverbs 31 woman and been humbled and discouraged. Where do you start so that in the end you can laugh at winter and not fear for your household? How does purchasing a field for profit translate into our non-agricultural life? I get so overwhelmed that I give up before I begin. But it doesn't have to be that hard, and the Word of God is not just true today, it is still relevant to our lives...even the passage, written thousands of years ago, about a woman of great value.
  So back to the "doing" part of all of this. Tonight some friends and I planned for the future. It want much, but it was something. It was fun, it was economical, and it was beneficial. We made 3 meals for each household to be frozen for future use. Not a huge deal, but it has big potential. I'm planning for the days I will be away or not feel like cooking because of my radiation treatment. Other women are planning so they can have a homecooked meal even on super busy days. And how awesome would it be to always have something in the freezer that you could take to someone who is sick or had a death in the family? To be a blessing to someone without stressing out?!
  So that's what I did tonight. Thank you, my dear Maggie, for the wonderful example you set and for all you have done for my family. For the rest of you, feel free to join us (the first Thursday of every month). And for those of you who want to know the latest health news, you'll have to wait until tomorrow after my appointment. As far as I know, things are going as well as I can hope. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your encouragement. I do have things on my heart that I will share, but tonight I wanted to just tell you about this. I love you all and thank the Lord for you.

Minor side effect

  I had another follow-up appointment on Friday. My incision is healing great. They drew blood to check my calcium, and I should know for sure how that is on Monday, but all indications say those levels are increasing like they should. This is all great news!
On the down side, I have an acid reflux problem now. :-( I have had a cough since the surgery. I was told this is normal, since fluids settle in the lungs while you're under anesthesia. So I didn't think much of it, except that it didn't go away.
Friday was a month exactly since my second surgery. I've come so far in such a short time that it feels wrong to complain. But my cough has been driving me nuts. So the first thing I asked was when it would go away. The doctor was surprised that it hadn't yet, so he looked (SO glad I was seeing the ENT specialist when this issue came up!) in my throat and said it was acid reflux. I learned 2 things at that appointment. 1) You don't always have discomfort and burning with acid reflux (I haven't) and 2) I CAN say, "eeeeee" while someone is holding my tongue with a piece of gauze and telling me to keep my mouth open wide. You should try it sometime, it's not easy.
So now I have a prescription for the reflux (which I haven't picked up yet...I'm annoyed at more medication, even though I know it's for my benefit. Unreasonable, I know, but it's just one of those things that get under my skin.) and a list of things I should and shouldn't do; don't eat less than 3 hours before bed time, sleep with my head elevated (one of those wedges would be nice, but I don't have one, so pillows are being manipulated), stay away from tomatoes and spicy foods (like that's going to happen!), take a tums after each meal (except breakfast, because I can't have calcium until at least 4 hours after I take my thyroid pill) and 2 right before bed, stay away from soft drinks (which I haven't really wanted since surgery anyway, for some unknown reason. At least that one is easy for me to follow)...there might be more, but I can't remember. He have me a list, which is good since I can't remember much of anything these days.
The reflux is related to the loss of the vocal nerve. Apparently now those muscles that held the acid down aren't working as well as normal, so I'm getting acid burns in my throat & on my vocal cords & that's what's irritating me enough to make me cough all the time.  And I do mean all the time.  When I wake up, when I lay down, when I talk for more than 3 or 4 sentences in a row (not exaggerating), when I yawn or breathe deeply...So. My first real side effect. Bummer.  BUT...(deep breath, as I remember not to dwell on negative things), still a small price to pay. Even in the world of side effects that come from cancer and cancer treatment, this is so small. And hopefully between the medicine that I will take (even though I hate being dependant on pills) and whatever guidelines I can follow without going nuts, this will come under control. I asked if it would get better as my body heals more completely, and he said he didn't know. I'm glad he was honest with me. No false hopes...but we can pray, and that is better than any pill.  Now I'm off to sleep, and looking forward to worshiping with my church family in the morning! I love you all. Thank you for your continued prayers. I hope tomorrow finds you joining a local church for worship as well.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

  It's been a little while since I've written, but that's not for lack of things to say. It's just...some of you will understand this, and some of you won't, but I'm just going to plow ahead regardless...a lot of people have a limit on how much they can care. Everyone asks, and everyone thinks they care...but really, what they want is good news. Now, in a way, that really is love. They're asking because they want me to be ok. And I'm ok with that. I have been given a gift in the form of friends who can handle the details, so I'm able to be ok with those who can't. And in this time of waiting and healing and adjusting, it's hard to know what to say to people. So we say, "things are going well." Or, "I'm healing, and the doctors are really pleased with my progress." Or, "I have a lot more energy than I did last week, and I'm thankful for that." And whoever we're taking to will smile and comment on how thankful they are and maybe give a hug or mention that they have been praying for me and they move on, very happy with the report. And it's a good, honest report...but the truth is also that I'm not out of the woods yet. And this waiting that we have to go through before my radiation is deceptive. I look fine, I'm feeling better every day. But in a couple months I'm going to feel like crap (from everything I've read on thyroid radiation treatment), and that will be before the treatment even begins. Not to mention all the information that I'm trying to process about cancer in general, and my cancer specifically. I received a packet in the mail from the American Cancer Society. My first thought was, "oh, good, now I will really be able to understand what happened to my body." No such luck. They don't know why most cancers grow, or how they start...cancer is almost as unique as the person who has it. Which makes sense, right? If your cells mutate, they're not going to be exactly like my mutated cells, because your healthy cells aren't exactly like my healthy cells.
  I'm getting a little off-track here, which is what happens when I go too long without spilling my thoughts. :-)
  All this to say, sometimes it's frustrating to talk to people, because there's so little new to say. And yet my household is still on high alert. My dear husband has the hardest time. Last week when someone asked him how I was doing, he said, "Well, she has cancer!" I laughed out loud when he told me. It probably confused whoever he was taking to, but it's the most honest thing he could say. So, yes, I'm doing well. But I haven't been given a clean bill of health. I still have steps to go through. And I don't know what the future holds. I have doubts that things will be "normal" (as in, how most other thyroid cancer patients progress). I'm not stressed over these things, but life is not (nor will it ever be) the same. And in times like these, we are motivated to act. So I wanted to share, not only how I have been feeling, but also what I have been doing. I hope you're getting used to my long-windedness, because I don't know any other way to write. :-D
  In addition to what my doctors have me doing (surgery, thyroid med, calcium supplements, and eventually radiation), we have looked into "natural" healing. One of my readers commented on the benefits of juicing. At the time, I had too much going on to respond, but that is one thing we have been doing since the day I came home from the hospital. There will probably be no way of knowing if what we're doing actually makes a difference in ME or not, but there has been enough study done to convince me that it's worth the effort to try. So carrots and apples don't last long around here anymore. I've juiced all sorts of things, looking for great taste and health benefits specifically geared toward cancer fighting. Pineapple tastes wonderful, even when you toss in carrots and raw spinach. Just in case you were wondering. Also, we're drinking filtered water. Not bottled, and not your standard store-bought filter. There's a whole water filtration system that adds oxygen (a cancer killer) and raises the ph level of your water (another deterant to cancer growth). My parents "happened" (I love how God has paved my road ages ahead of the time for me to travel it!) to have bought this machine a while back, so Brad bought a water cooler with a 5 gallon jug and we fill it at my mom & dad's and drink very little other than that water. Soft drinks are only a special treat, and even iced tea hasn't been around for a while. The kids have milk and water. Brad and I have juice and water. These two things alone have helped my digestive system a lot. And I'm not nearly as hungry as I used to be. I know a lot of that is because of the surgery, but I also think part of it is because of the nutrients I'm getting from the juice. I don't have cravings anymore, and I don't have a desire to overeat. I've lost at least 12 pounds since surgery.
  The last thing we've done is to go organic. Ok, I know I lost a lot of you with that word. But it's something I'm able to do right now, and because I'm able to, I feel like I should. There are so many things put into our food before it ever gets to the store, and that can't be good for us. So there's a company that provides organic food straight to your door, and we're taking advantage of the opportunity. There is no way I could afford to shop organic at a local grocery store, but this company created a plan that fits into the budget we already had for food, so (again) God supplied our need.
  So there you are, slightly updated on my emotions and actions. I know people are reading this who are going through what I am going through, and probably more who will read it again when their time of difficulty comes. My prayer is that you are encouraged. It's ok to be frustrated and have "down" days (but don't live there!). And it's ok to take action and improve your lifestyle to give yourself the best chance at a recovery. I am open to comments and questions on the changes we've made. A discussion could be beneficial to many people.
  And now that I've told you how I'm doing, you don't have to ask Brad...because there's no telling what he'll say next! I love that man for the way he makes me laugh. :-D