Part of the reason I write is for personal clarification. It is so much easier to sort out what is going on in my heart and head when I put it on paper. Another reason is so that my friends and family will be kept up to date with new information and know how best to pray for us. The last reason I write and post these blogs is so that, in the future, maybe some dear soul who is dealing with the same thing I am dealing with now will know what to expect and will take comfort in knowing that someone has gone through it ahead of them. This blog is especially for that last group; to let you know that in these situations, feeling out of control is pretty normal.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Beginning with the week leading up to my scans (I have a friend who calls it "scanxiety,"). On Thursday I went to the Dr. and was told to start the low iodine diet the next day. Friday through Sunday were ok, but I kept forgetting that I was on that stupid diet. I didn't eat anything I shouldn't, but I would be cooking and thinking, "Oh, this is going to taste so good!" and then suddenly remember that no matter how good it turned out, I couldn't eat it. I think mostly this was because I didn't expect to jump into diets and scans so immediately after my appointment. I thought I would have a couple weeks to prepare and plan my meals, but I didn't. I am thankful that I had already found a staple meal that I enjoyed (when I was on the diet the first time), so I just went back to that for the week. There was also a lot of explaining how my appointment went to tons of people. And telling everyone that you've had an appointment and you're doing something new, but there really isn't any news yet is kind of frustrating. Friends and family want progress, and the waiting can be as hard on them (though in a different way) as it is on me. It's been almost a year since my surgeries, and that's a long time to have few "real" answers.
By Monday I thought I had everything under control. I had decided I was just going to get this week over and be done, and that I would be fine. Funny thing is, you can't just decide stuff like that. I still had anxiety. I just refused to think about it! So I had to go get a shot on Monday. I didn't think it would be a big deal, as often as I have had blood draws and IVs over the past year. In my mind, I would sit in the little chair, lay my arm on the flat armrest and have it done. I was a little nervous that the medicine might burn going in, but other than that, I was ok. Then the nurse came in and told me the shot had to go in my backside. Don't ask me why this freaked me out, but it did. I don't think I've had a shot back there since I was a little girl getting tubes put in my ears. I think mostly it was just that, once again, I was unprepared for what I had to do. But I'm a big girl, and a little needle isn't going to get the best of me! So I forced my body to relax as I awkwardly waited for the shot. The medicine didn't burn a bit. And that's about the only thing I had time to think before I started to black out. The room was spinning, everything was black, and, even though I could hear the nurse talking, I could not understand what she was saying, much less follow her instructions. I was holding onto the table I had been leaning over for dear life. She had to pull a chair up behind me and force me back into it. Finally my head started to clear. I felt foolish and weak and (as is normal for me when I pass out), I was very emotional. I cried a little bit to the nurse. Then on my way home I called my husband, my mom, and a couple of my closest friends and I cried then too. Poor Caryn got the full deluge of my emotions. Fears I didn't even know I had came pouring out and I cried and cried.
I learned that day (once again) that it's ok to fear. I know I cannot live in fear, but fear is very real, and needs to be faced. I cannot overcome it on my own...but if I don't acknowledge it, then I cannot even allow the peace of God to cover it. I found things I didn't know were hiding in my heart, and I'm thankful for that day. I also had to promise everyone that I wouldn't go alone to the rest of my appointments that week!
Tuesday, I had to get another shot and my sister-in-law went with me. It was very uneventful (I knew what to expect this time!), but she and I had a very nice trip to Murfreesboro and back. It gave us rare, kid-free conversation! That night, I left work early. I had started feeling dizzy after the second shot, and I was too weak to keep up with production. I was hoping I would be able to come back after my scan Friday morning, since I would be able to take my medicine and eat "real food" once the scan was done.
Wednesday, I had a few appointments. I had to get blood drawn, register with the hospital for my scan at the end of the week, and meet with my surgeon for a check-up. My mom and my daughter went with me. We stopped to pick up my dad for lunch between appointments. We went to IHOP and I had a bowl of mixed fruit. I don't like honeydew.
The appointments were mostly, "hurry up and wait." The actual "doing" didn't take long at all. I did have an informative visit with my surgeon. He confirmed that half of my vocal chords still have absolutely no movement, but that the other half is compensating well. He said singers have the most success in this type of situation, so (once again) I am thankful for all the years of singing that have trained my vocal cords to stretch beyond what they would normally do.
Thursday, I was able to just stay home. I still wasn't back to work, and it was nice to have a day with my family where I didn't go anywhere at all. But the next day I had my scan, and as much as I smiled and loved on my kids and just took time to be close to my family, underneath it all there was a little knot in my stomach over the upcoming scan.
Friday came soon enough. A dear friend was able to ride with me to the hospital. The scan it's self was easy. Lay on a table for about 20 minutes while you get moved slowly through a huge machine. I think I dozed off for a few minutes somewhere in there (it's best to keep your eyes closed, since the machine is a very few inches from your face, which can make you feel claustrophobic). Then they have the radiologist take a preliminary look at the results before they let you go. Unfortunately for me, the radioactive iodine hadn't moved through my system as completely as they needed it to, so they asked me to come back the next morning for another scan. So much for going in to work on Friday!
Saturday came and my sister rode with me this time. Since it was the weekend, the area of the hospital that we needed to go to was next to empty. They didn't have to scan the lower third of my body this time, so that knocked a few minutes off of the time I was in the machine. That day I was more nervous than the day before; having to come back for anther scan wasn't sitting well with me. But finally we were done, and then my sister and I went out for a wonderful brunch! I ate an omelet stuffed with all sorts of meat and cheese. My stomach was upset later from the sudden change in diet after such bland food for a week, but it was SO worth it!
Now all we had to do was wait for the results. I went back to work on Monday. My mom made arrangements to go with me for the results, which would be Thursday. Brad and I didn't talk about it much that week, but it was weighing on both of us. He would randomly ask me if I was ok. And, slowly, I became ok. As I prepared myself for Thursday, I was given a strength and peace that had been missing. On Thursday I was ready for anything. Brad called me before I left the house to pray with me. We both began to cry, but I was able to honestly pray, "not my will, but Yours." I cannot say that at that moment I knew that the cancer wasn't totally gone, but I can say that I was completely prepared for bad news. There is a reason it's called, "peace that passes understanding." I still don't understand how I can face this illness and not have constant worry or pain or anger or fear or sorrow. But the peace is there. I'm not saying the other feelings are never around, of course. Just that...God wins. I trust Him and whatever He has planned for me.
So now we just have to decide what we're going to do about the remaining cancer. I'm still up in the air about it. At first, it made sense to go through with another round of radiation. And maybe that IS the best course. I'm just not as sure about it as I was. The oncologist suggested that course, and it is the easiest, fasted route to take. But I scheduled an appointment with my surgeon for the same day as I meet with my general practitioner, early next month. I feel like I need perspectives from both of them before I decide for sure what to do. My other option would be to have more scans done before we proceed with any treatment, just to be sure we know exactly where the cancer is, how big it is, and anything else that is currently unknown. So please pray for wisdom in this area.
After my results on Thursday, I wanted to be close to my family. And my birthday was on Saturday. So we went to a matinee showing of Man of Steel, then came home to a huge birthday party with my entire family at my house. On Sunday we went to my parents' house after church for lunch and didn't end up coming home until around 10. I loved spending time with everyone, but it made for a very busy weekend. Monday was a more physical day at work than usual, and on Tuesday I finally crashed. The heat and emotional roller coaster of the last two weeks, topped by the (wonderful, yet) busy weekend all finally caught up to me. I didn't do much of anything yesterday, and the rest was very good for me. Even now, I'm worn out, but I'm much better than I was yesterday. Brad is in a very similar state. This is another way you can pray for us; that we would get the rest we need and that we would recover quickly from this draining experience.
I hope reading this is helpful to someone. Even if what you're facing isn't cancer, there is a natural process to dealing with trauma, and it's fine to go through that process. It's normal, and it doesn't mean you're weak or have no faith. You need to mourn loss, you need to acknowledge fear. But remember not to live in those low spots. Pray for strength and peace, and share your concerns with someone who will pray for you and with you. Then lean on the One who gives you every breath and know that He is in control.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Why we're ok
Until you're where I am, you just don't know. You can see how I feel, you can read how I feel, you can even hurt in similar ways. But you simply cannot KNOW what it's like. But I will keep trying to explain and do my best to lead by example so that when your trial comes, you do not feel overwhelmed by it. So that you will be encouraged and lifted up, as I have been by so many people. This weekend was everything I could ask for, especially following the news that there is still cancer in my body. I wanted to be surrounded by everything that I love, and I was. But I get that look from everyone. The one that wonders if I'm really handling things, or if I'm just covering up so no one will worry about me. So many of you have read my blogs and followed along with my ups and downs because you really do care how I'm doing. And you really want to do whatever you can for my family and myself. And I cannot tell you what that means to me. In reality, how I'm doing changes from moment to moment. I do sorrow, I do fear. I don't want to think about going on the low iodine diet again. It wasn't horrible, but it's not something I would choose to do on my own. I don't want to think about being in isolation again. Being away from my family was rough. They are the "why" behind everything for me, and without them to take care of, I'm less "me." I really don't want to think beyond the next treatment, to the tests again and the anxiety of waiting to find out if radiation worked completely this time.
So I think about other things. And I am learning a lot. So are other people. Here is what my incredible husband had to say this weekend:
Why am I thankful that my wife still has cancer? Because I'm so prone to wander. I'm so prone to get tired. I'm so prone to get stale and callused. I'm so prone to run from relationships when it doesn't benefit me. Because by my wife still having cancer, I'm reminded that I'm utterly hopeless and shipwrecked without my Lord and Savior. I'm reminded that I'm broken and crooked inside. I'm reminded that so is everybody else, no matter how they try to dress themselves up. I'm reminded that I desperately need the Gospel. The Gospel has saved me, but it's still walking with me and holding my hand and, praise the Lord, the Gospel will one day lead me to a place where there will be no more cancer! I'm reminded this morning that I haven't communed with my Lord in a long time. Not just reading and praying; I've done those beautiful things. But I'm talking about just being quiet and thinking high thoughts of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. You see, cancer brought me to this place this morning. I'm reminded of my children, who need a daddy that won't give them the world, but will give them Jesus. I'm reminded that time is precious, and we don't have time to have unresolved conflicts with our brothers and sisters in Christ or our family. I've come to realize that we only have this moment to reflect the Gospel, because we are not promised tomorrow. I'm reminded that I love the Lord and need him desperately! I'm reminded that though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, the for the Lord is with me. I'm reminded that the Lord gives and takes away; blessed be the the name of the Lord! Oh yes, my friends I pray that Mr. Cancer does not come for an extended stay. I hope and pray that he is just passing through. But no matter what He decides, I'm so thankful that the Lord has blessed us with his company. You see, I'm just starting to understand something this morning: That cancer has been the best pastor and teacher I've ever had.
Love Bradly Allen Swander
With such a husband to lead me, is it any surprise that I continue to learn and grow? Though we may weep together at times, we also draw from the same strength. We place our trust in the Almighty together. Not just my health, but US. Our future, how much of it we have together, what we are to do with the time we are given.
My thoughts have run close to Brad's over the past few days. Time and relationships are no longer cheap. The knowledge that we don't have forever is constantly in my mind. Whoever said, "There's always tomorrow," lied. Sometimes there's only today. So use today! Not only do you not have the promise of tomorrow, those around you don't either. It could be cancer, or a car wreck, or old age, or a freak heart attack that takes your neighbor, child, brother, parent or cousin. What regrets would you have? What have you not said or done that you should?
If you are close to me, you know that there have been several conflicts in my family over the years. I will not get into details, but I will use my family as an example for you. As I was working on Friday night, I was excited about my birthday party that was being planned for Saturday. And I was thinking about the tension that comes and goes between family members. I talked to them in my mind, and what I "said," I ask you to apply to your own life:
What if this were my last birthday? What if next year, I'm not here? What would you do June 15th, 2014 if I'm gone? I can imagine that there would be some sort of day of remembering. My sister would probably spend months gathering pictures and stories about me and putting it all together. Then she would start inviting people to come on my birthday to be together, to remember the time we spent together, to tell stories about me that my kids would remember, to watch the slide show that she had made.
So, my sister, who would you invite? Would you leave someone out because of a conflict? Because it would make someone else uncomfortable to have them there? Of course not. You would want everyone who loved me to be there. You would want to honor my memory this way.
So, those of you who are invited, would you come? Or would you wait to see who was coming before you decided? Would you skip this opportunity to laugh and cry with my friends and family just because you might have gotten upset at someone else who would be there? I would hope not. I would hope that you could set these insignificant matters to the side, at least for a time.
And if those things that you're upset about can be put aside for a moment, is it possible that maybe they're not all that important after all? That maybe the biggest thing in the way of loving relationships is pride? If you could set aside that pride for a day of peace spent together to love on my family and share the burden of loss, than do you think that maybe you could put things in perspective and do that now?
Or do I have to die first?
Because, my loved ones, I am willing to give whatever it takes to heal the hearts of those that I love. I have seen God use this illness in me to do so much, and the fact that I am not healed yet tells me that He is not done using my sickness for His purposes.
But if it takes that, then shame on you! If a loss that great is the only thing that will cut past pride and selfishness, shame on you. Not because I am not willing to be used, but because Christ has already died to show you how to love one another! And in comparison to Him, my life is worth nothing.
I know it's not as easy as just deciding to be done letting things bother you. And yet, it actually is that easy in many ways. When you are where I am, it's that easy. When you really understand in your heart that you are not promised tomorrow, it's simple to forgive completely, to love deeply and to find joy where there was pain. To allow Christ to change your heart in a way you've always been afraid to before. To become so new that even if you live through the fire, the person who comes out of it will look totally different from the one who went in.
This is why I am ok. Why, even though I mourned and cried, I am fine right now. It's why I can actually be thankful for cancer. Because I have learned so much about what love is and how it really looks. Our words are so insignificant and meaningless. But God is teaching me to hold the truly precious things close. And maybe because I am going through this, someone else will learn these lessons through my example instead of by trial. Maybe it's you, my faithful reader. Maybe I have cancer so that you will read this and your heart will be softened and you will restore a broken relationship. Maybe it's so that you will seek the One who gives the peace and incomprehensible love that He is giving me. I am humbled by the things that have happened around me this past year, and I looking forward to seeing what God will do next. It makes my trials pale in significance. He makes me ok.
So I think about other things. And I am learning a lot. So are other people. Here is what my incredible husband had to say this weekend:
Why am I thankful that my wife still has cancer? Because I'm so prone to wander. I'm so prone to get tired. I'm so prone to get stale and callused. I'm so prone to run from relationships when it doesn't benefit me. Because by my wife still having cancer, I'm reminded that I'm utterly hopeless and shipwrecked without my Lord and Savior. I'm reminded that I'm broken and crooked inside. I'm reminded that so is everybody else, no matter how they try to dress themselves up. I'm reminded that I desperately need the Gospel. The Gospel has saved me, but it's still walking with me and holding my hand and, praise the Lord, the Gospel will one day lead me to a place where there will be no more cancer! I'm reminded this morning that I haven't communed with my Lord in a long time. Not just reading and praying; I've done those beautiful things. But I'm talking about just being quiet and thinking high thoughts of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. You see, cancer brought me to this place this morning. I'm reminded of my children, who need a daddy that won't give them the world, but will give them Jesus. I'm reminded that time is precious, and we don't have time to have unresolved conflicts with our brothers and sisters in Christ or our family. I've come to realize that we only have this moment to reflect the Gospel, because we are not promised tomorrow. I'm reminded that I love the Lord and need him desperately! I'm reminded that though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, the for the Lord is with me. I'm reminded that the Lord gives and takes away; blessed be the the name of the Lord! Oh yes, my friends I pray that Mr. Cancer does not come for an extended stay. I hope and pray that he is just passing through. But no matter what He decides, I'm so thankful that the Lord has blessed us with his company. You see, I'm just starting to understand something this morning: That cancer has been the best pastor and teacher I've ever had.
Love Bradly Allen Swander
With such a husband to lead me, is it any surprise that I continue to learn and grow? Though we may weep together at times, we also draw from the same strength. We place our trust in the Almighty together. Not just my health, but US. Our future, how much of it we have together, what we are to do with the time we are given.
My thoughts have run close to Brad's over the past few days. Time and relationships are no longer cheap. The knowledge that we don't have forever is constantly in my mind. Whoever said, "There's always tomorrow," lied. Sometimes there's only today. So use today! Not only do you not have the promise of tomorrow, those around you don't either. It could be cancer, or a car wreck, or old age, or a freak heart attack that takes your neighbor, child, brother, parent or cousin. What regrets would you have? What have you not said or done that you should?
If you are close to me, you know that there have been several conflicts in my family over the years. I will not get into details, but I will use my family as an example for you. As I was working on Friday night, I was excited about my birthday party that was being planned for Saturday. And I was thinking about the tension that comes and goes between family members. I talked to them in my mind, and what I "said," I ask you to apply to your own life:
What if this were my last birthday? What if next year, I'm not here? What would you do June 15th, 2014 if I'm gone? I can imagine that there would be some sort of day of remembering. My sister would probably spend months gathering pictures and stories about me and putting it all together. Then she would start inviting people to come on my birthday to be together, to remember the time we spent together, to tell stories about me that my kids would remember, to watch the slide show that she had made.
So, my sister, who would you invite? Would you leave someone out because of a conflict? Because it would make someone else uncomfortable to have them there? Of course not. You would want everyone who loved me to be there. You would want to honor my memory this way.
So, those of you who are invited, would you come? Or would you wait to see who was coming before you decided? Would you skip this opportunity to laugh and cry with my friends and family just because you might have gotten upset at someone else who would be there? I would hope not. I would hope that you could set these insignificant matters to the side, at least for a time.
And if those things that you're upset about can be put aside for a moment, is it possible that maybe they're not all that important after all? That maybe the biggest thing in the way of loving relationships is pride? If you could set aside that pride for a day of peace spent together to love on my family and share the burden of loss, than do you think that maybe you could put things in perspective and do that now?
Or do I have to die first?
Because, my loved ones, I am willing to give whatever it takes to heal the hearts of those that I love. I have seen God use this illness in me to do so much, and the fact that I am not healed yet tells me that He is not done using my sickness for His purposes.
But if it takes that, then shame on you! If a loss that great is the only thing that will cut past pride and selfishness, shame on you. Not because I am not willing to be used, but because Christ has already died to show you how to love one another! And in comparison to Him, my life is worth nothing.
I know it's not as easy as just deciding to be done letting things bother you. And yet, it actually is that easy in many ways. When you are where I am, it's that easy. When you really understand in your heart that you are not promised tomorrow, it's simple to forgive completely, to love deeply and to find joy where there was pain. To allow Christ to change your heart in a way you've always been afraid to before. To become so new that even if you live through the fire, the person who comes out of it will look totally different from the one who went in.
This is why I am ok. Why, even though I mourned and cried, I am fine right now. It's why I can actually be thankful for cancer. Because I have learned so much about what love is and how it really looks. Our words are so insignificant and meaningless. But God is teaching me to hold the truly precious things close. And maybe because I am going through this, someone else will learn these lessons through my example instead of by trial. Maybe it's you, my faithful reader. Maybe I have cancer so that you will read this and your heart will be softened and you will restore a broken relationship. Maybe it's so that you will seek the One who gives the peace and incomprehensible love that He is giving me. I am humbled by the things that have happened around me this past year, and I looking forward to seeing what God will do next. It makes my trials pale in significance. He makes me ok.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I know...
I know a man who is dying of cancer. He has skin cancer, but it's growing inside his sinuses and there is no way to treat it. He has a constant headache. But he never complains about his illness. He knows that he will be lucky to live another 5 years. Yet he is at work every day. He does his job as well as he ever did. Most people don't have any clue that he is sick. Once there were tears in his eyes when he talked to me about it, but most days he stops just to ask how I am doing. He tells me not to worry about him: "I wouldn't have much time left in this body anyway."
I know a single mother who is spending this week changing her entire future. She had the perfect job lined up in another town and was going to move next month. But her sister passed away over the weekend and everything changed. Now she won't move, but will change jobs; from an office to a factory for the pay raise. Not moving because it would put her further from the three children her sister left behind. Decisions about where she lives and how much money she makes now revolve around how she can help raise these precious, motherless innocents.
I know men who work 8, 10, 12 hour days 5, 6, 7 days a week at jobs they hate for bosses who are unfair all so that they can provide for their families. Keep mama home as much as possible. Be able to put shoes on growing feet, food in young bellies and that special gift next to the birthday cake.
I know a couple heartbroken over the loss of their unborn child. But they continue to find ways to bring joy to those around them.
I know a boy who has lost memory, sight, and the hope of a normal future to illness. I know two girls who's parents dare not dream for more than seeing their daughter reach 25 years old. These families will watch as their beautiful babies get older but do not develop properly. They will watch these diseases cripple and finally kill. Yet they use their trials to be a witness to others.
I know a family who longs for a child that they may never be allowed to hold again, because of the actions of a selfish, prideful, greedy, evil person. Yet they pray for the salvation of that very person.
I know a God who has put these people in my path to encourage me as I see their grace and strength in the midst of the fire.
I know He will carry me through whatever the future holds.
I know His people are praying for me.
I know He has written my story with the perfect ending, though I do not yet know what that end is.
I know I am surrounded by His love.
I know that I can face tomorrow.
I know a single mother who is spending this week changing her entire future. She had the perfect job lined up in another town and was going to move next month. But her sister passed away over the weekend and everything changed. Now she won't move, but will change jobs; from an office to a factory for the pay raise. Not moving because it would put her further from the three children her sister left behind. Decisions about where she lives and how much money she makes now revolve around how she can help raise these precious, motherless innocents.
I know men who work 8, 10, 12 hour days 5, 6, 7 days a week at jobs they hate for bosses who are unfair all so that they can provide for their families. Keep mama home as much as possible. Be able to put shoes on growing feet, food in young bellies and that special gift next to the birthday cake.
I know a couple heartbroken over the loss of their unborn child. But they continue to find ways to bring joy to those around them.
I know a boy who has lost memory, sight, and the hope of a normal future to illness. I know two girls who's parents dare not dream for more than seeing their daughter reach 25 years old. These families will watch as their beautiful babies get older but do not develop properly. They will watch these diseases cripple and finally kill. Yet they use their trials to be a witness to others.
I know a family who longs for a child that they may never be allowed to hold again, because of the actions of a selfish, prideful, greedy, evil person. Yet they pray for the salvation of that very person.
I know a God who has put these people in my path to encourage me as I see their grace and strength in the midst of the fire.
I know He will carry me through whatever the future holds.
I know His people are praying for me.
I know He has written my story with the perfect ending, though I do not yet know what that end is.
I know I am surrounded by His love.
I know that I can face tomorrow.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
One Perfect Moment
Tonight I sit on my front porch, with a cold glass of thirst-quenching yumminess beside me, a cloudy night sky above me and the cool summer night air wrapped around me. The scents of fresh cut lawns and sweet hay drift to me from neighboring acres. Crickets sing, a dog barks, and I even hear a bat as it searches for it's evening meal. My children are all clean and tucked safely in bed. All of their friends have gone home, leaving a cozy peacefulness in our house. My husband entered the Sandman's arena an hour ago, but I know that (even after over 13 years together) when I come to bed he will reach for me in his sleep and hold me close. There is a peace and gentleness in my soul that has not come from myself. I look forward to the praise, worship and teaching that will come tomorrow. Tonight is a perfect night.
I am so thankful for this moment. I am fixing it in my mind to remember. Something to be thankful for no matter what. That today, God gave me exactly what my heart desired. It's not anything spectacular by the world's standards, but it is exactly what I was craving. Just that moment where everything is still and right in this busy, broken world.
In one week, I will turn 36. And before that day, I should know whether my 37th year on this earth will be "normal" or filled with a fight for my life.
It's a scary thing to think about. As a matter of fact, I haven't let myself think about it much because of how scary it could be. Even "normal" will never be the same for me as it was before. Worse than this new normal is something I don't want to dwell on.
Statistics say I shouldn't worry. It's "just" thyroid cancer. Possibly the most curable cancer we know of. Nothing to get worked up about. The Bible says I shouldn't worry. Because even if I do, it can't cure me of cancer and add even an hour to the life that God has planned for me to live.
I believe the Bible. And I even believe the statistics. So this concern has not wrapped me up and paralyzed me. But there is a real fear. Fear of the unknown, mostly. How can I prepare for whatever the future holds while we wait to know at least what direction that future is headed?
I am not going to complain. And I'm not going to go into all of what a bad test result might mean for me. I have spent this past week dealing with it personally and sharing with a very few close friends. I didn't deal with it until this week because I didn't have to. But now (finally), I have had the scans we've been waiting for since my surgery last July. These scans will tell us if there are still thyroid cancer cells still in my body. So I was forced to think about it all week long. For a week, my life was focused on preparing for this scan...and that turned out to be a much more emotional thing than I had expected.
But tonight...tonight I have a gift. The gift of enjoying all of the good around me. To accept the perfect things that God has provided in my life. Maybe He gave me this moment as a balm for my weary heart after such a difficult week. Or maybe He gave it to me so that I would have something peaceful to remember through the coming storm. Either way, I am thankful. And tomorrow I will join my brothers and sisters in Christ to worship Him and thank Him and glorify Him. And if next week brings tears and sorrow...well, deep in my heart, anchored more surely than any fear I may have, is a peace that tells me that when the winds blow too strong for me to stand, I will be held. It's not a promise of joy and ease and healing, but it is (and always will be) enough. I have walked a different path than most because this is the path that Christ marked out for me. I hold onto that knowledge. It's not easy, and I don't want you to think that it's easy for me. Let me say it again, it is not easy. But neither is it too hard. You think you could never endure such a thing...and then it happens, and God says, "I will give you the strength you need for this day. You do not have enough of your own, but I have unending strength, and I give it to those who are mine." So you live one day at a time. And you deal with your illness (or poverty, or loss, or persecution) one event at a time. And then you know, as you never knew before, that He is everything. And if He chooses to ask of you everything, it is your honor to give it for His glory.
This one perfect moment, I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. This moment, fear has been banished. It will creep back in, as it always does. But I have been given a perfect moment and in that moment, I see how His grace abounds. And there is nothing but gratitude left in me.
Now as I head to join my faithful, loving husband for the night, I pray that your faith may be grown, as mine continues to be.
I am so thankful for this moment. I am fixing it in my mind to remember. Something to be thankful for no matter what. That today, God gave me exactly what my heart desired. It's not anything spectacular by the world's standards, but it is exactly what I was craving. Just that moment where everything is still and right in this busy, broken world.
In one week, I will turn 36. And before that day, I should know whether my 37th year on this earth will be "normal" or filled with a fight for my life.
It's a scary thing to think about. As a matter of fact, I haven't let myself think about it much because of how scary it could be. Even "normal" will never be the same for me as it was before. Worse than this new normal is something I don't want to dwell on.
Statistics say I shouldn't worry. It's "just" thyroid cancer. Possibly the most curable cancer we know of. Nothing to get worked up about. The Bible says I shouldn't worry. Because even if I do, it can't cure me of cancer and add even an hour to the life that God has planned for me to live.
I believe the Bible. And I even believe the statistics. So this concern has not wrapped me up and paralyzed me. But there is a real fear. Fear of the unknown, mostly. How can I prepare for whatever the future holds while we wait to know at least what direction that future is headed?
I am not going to complain. And I'm not going to go into all of what a bad test result might mean for me. I have spent this past week dealing with it personally and sharing with a very few close friends. I didn't deal with it until this week because I didn't have to. But now (finally), I have had the scans we've been waiting for since my surgery last July. These scans will tell us if there are still thyroid cancer cells still in my body. So I was forced to think about it all week long. For a week, my life was focused on preparing for this scan...and that turned out to be a much more emotional thing than I had expected.
But tonight...tonight I have a gift. The gift of enjoying all of the good around me. To accept the perfect things that God has provided in my life. Maybe He gave me this moment as a balm for my weary heart after such a difficult week. Or maybe He gave it to me so that I would have something peaceful to remember through the coming storm. Either way, I am thankful. And tomorrow I will join my brothers and sisters in Christ to worship Him and thank Him and glorify Him. And if next week brings tears and sorrow...well, deep in my heart, anchored more surely than any fear I may have, is a peace that tells me that when the winds blow too strong for me to stand, I will be held. It's not a promise of joy and ease and healing, but it is (and always will be) enough. I have walked a different path than most because this is the path that Christ marked out for me. I hold onto that knowledge. It's not easy, and I don't want you to think that it's easy for me. Let me say it again, it is not easy. But neither is it too hard. You think you could never endure such a thing...and then it happens, and God says, "I will give you the strength you need for this day. You do not have enough of your own, but I have unending strength, and I give it to those who are mine." So you live one day at a time. And you deal with your illness (or poverty, or loss, or persecution) one event at a time. And then you know, as you never knew before, that He is everything. And if He chooses to ask of you everything, it is your honor to give it for His glory.
This one perfect moment, I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. This moment, fear has been banished. It will creep back in, as it always does. But I have been given a perfect moment and in that moment, I see how His grace abounds. And there is nothing but gratitude left in me.
Now as I head to join my faithful, loving husband for the night, I pray that your faith may be grown, as mine continues to be.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
1 Cor. 4:6
Now that I am working second shift, I am no longer able to lead our women's Bible study. However, I am writing lessons for them and Kim is using those lessons along with her own to teach on Tuesday nights. I love listening to my dear sister teach, and I have encouraged her to post her lessons for those of you who are not near enough to attend. So I've decided to post mine as well. I hope these lessons encourage and challenge you in your walk with Christ!
It is amazing to me how we can read the Bible over and over and over again and still find new things in it! And beyond that, how God brings things into our lives to emphasize the importance of the new thing that He has shown us. At least, that’s how it is in my life! Here is a verse that I have read countless times, I’m sure. But I finally SAW it. God’s word is so beautiful, and so…good! Even though this is a little different than what I normally have prepared for our ladies’ study, it felt important…so I’m just going with it, and trusting that this is what God wants me to share.
1 Corinthians 4:6 I have applied all these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, brothers, that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written, that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one against another.
That’s it! Just one little verse. And at first, it seems like there isn't much there. It’s in the middle of this huge passage about church leaders, and about not following a man as your spiritual leader, since he is only the servant of Christ who has actually purchased your salvation. I encourage you to read the whole book, being aware of this setting. It will change your view of some verses that you have probably heard used out of context. But that’s not the part I want to focus on right now. The part that jumped out at me was, “that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written…” Don’t go beyond what is written. That really stuck with me. So often, we “go beyond.” We want to know more, we want to figure it out. But that was part of the problem here in Corinth. They were so focused on what they knew, and what they could figure out, that they were losing sight of the fact that Christ was the one to follow. Instead, they were following the man they thought most wise or knowledgeable about the things of God. Right from the first chapter of this book, Paul is reminding these people that human wisdom is foolish, and that true wisdom can only come from God. Therefore, knowledge of spiritual truths is nothing to be prideful over. Rather, we are to be thankful that these truths have been revealed to us. Instead, we look for man after man to lead us. We want the most knowledgeable, the most experienced, the one who can speak most eloquently.
There is a line to walk here, of course. We know we are to test everything against the scriptures to see if it is true. So we must study the scriptures and know them, or we will never be able to hold any doctrine up to it for examination. Then there are commentaries and historical documents that can help us understand what was going on when different passages were written. Context changes the way people hear things. To someone who has grown up in the city, it might not make sense that we call Jesus the Good Shepherd. But once you explain how sheep need to be watched and led to food and water, and guarded against wolves and other predators, the picture of Jesus begins to change. Now He’s not just a man standing in a field with a staff. Now He is everything necessary to a safe, healthy life. So I’m not saying not to study, and study deeply. But this verse clearly says not to go beyond what is written. Let me give you an example.
Last week a friend of mine posted something about the sovereignty of God. Another guy we both know from college commented this:
“I think that God likes to roll a die just like some of us do every now and then. I think He likes to see what will randomly happen every now and then. I believe He has all of the parameters put in place purposely and knows what the outcome of the roll will be before He rolls it, but nevertheless, randomness is still interesting. Randomness forces us to adapt and think critically. They are good tests for God to determine if we are willing to follow Him despite any random circumstance.
In addition to that, I also believe that God gives us the choice to make decisions, and lets us live with those decisions. Sure, there are times that He will interfere, but for the most part, I think He leaves a lot of things up to us. Sometimes the "thing that happened for a reason" is that we did it to ourselves - whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.”
The verse we’re discussing today had been rolling around in my head for about a week when I read this, and his comment just set me on fire. “I feel,” “I think,” “I believe…” and not a bit of scripture. I wanted to tear into him and tell him how out of line he was. But I've found that yelling rarely convinces someone that they’re wrong, so I tried to be nice. I said, “Nice theory with the dice. Any scripture to back that up?” He didn't reply with scripture. He said, “I’m made in His image, right? I honestly thing that this is a part of God’s creative spirit that dwells in all of us.” He went on to describe the great variety we find in the world and added, “Do I really need a scripture verse to prove that God enjoys randomness? Doesn't His creation prove it enough?”
SO many people have this same idea about God. They look around at themselves and other people and creation and think they can figure out who God is by that. It’s like seeing the colors on a painter’s palate and thinking you can know everything about the painter by that small bit of information. So I said, “Yes (because he asked if he needed scripture). We don’t have to assume who He is, because He’s told us. He is a God of order (that’s scripture). He places the stars and counts the hairs on my head and gathers our tears in bottles. That’s scripture! He sets parameters in place…He has plans for me. That’s the God we see in the Bible…The Bible also tells us that He holds us together. Actually holds us together! If He were to take His hands off, the world would fall apart. He is just so much bigger and so much more than we can ever realize…I know that the Bible doesn't tell us everything about God. But He gave us what He wanted us to have. I don’t even understand everything about Him that is IN the Bible. Until I have studied and digested and lived by THAT, I won’t try to figure out anything more.”
Maybe this is something that most of you realize already. But that is just one example of how people go beyond what is written. Making up a god that they think is there because of random bits of creation that they see. Thinking they can figure Him out because they have a small bit of knowledge. Verse four goes on to say, “that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one over another.” This is the danger. It’s the sin that was in the garden. The sin of wanting to know what God knows. Or at the very least (as we see often in churches today), wanting to follow the man that seems to know the most of what God knows. Be on your guard when you hear the words, “I think,” or “I feel,” when it comes to spiritual matters. The heart and mind of man is wicked. Why would you trust it? Even hearing someone say what they “believe” needs to be listened to with guarded ears. Measure everything against scripture. If you hear someone say what they believe, ask what scripture they've based that belief on! You don’t have to be rude, especially since they might be absolutely correct. But study, study, study!
When you witness, answer questions with scripture. I know it’s hard to memorize chapter and verse. But you can memorize at least some. And even if you don’t know the exact wording or exactly where it is found, you should be reading your Bible enough to at least know what is in there. If they want to read it for themselves, look it up and give them the reference later. But don’t tell people what you think, just based off of emotion or personal experience. God has given us the perfect tool to plant spiritual seeds, water them, and bring in the harvest.
I used to be the worst offender in this area. Looking back, I cringe at how many times I offered my opinion instead of the precious Word of God. This is an area that God has grown me in (He has used my husband to help me so much with this!). I pray that this verse is both a challenge to you and an encouragement. A challenge to follow it, because it is what we are commanded to do. An encouragement because everything you need is IN the Bible, so you will never have to flounder about for the “right” answer again. Dig in! Learn! Grow! Study and wash yourself with the Word so that when the time comes to give an answer, His words will be on your lips.
It is amazing to me how we can read the Bible over and over and over again and still find new things in it! And beyond that, how God brings things into our lives to emphasize the importance of the new thing that He has shown us. At least, that’s how it is in my life! Here is a verse that I have read countless times, I’m sure. But I finally SAW it. God’s word is so beautiful, and so…good! Even though this is a little different than what I normally have prepared for our ladies’ study, it felt important…so I’m just going with it, and trusting that this is what God wants me to share.
1 Corinthians 4:6 I have applied all these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, brothers, that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written, that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one against another.
That’s it! Just one little verse. And at first, it seems like there isn't much there. It’s in the middle of this huge passage about church leaders, and about not following a man as your spiritual leader, since he is only the servant of Christ who has actually purchased your salvation. I encourage you to read the whole book, being aware of this setting. It will change your view of some verses that you have probably heard used out of context. But that’s not the part I want to focus on right now. The part that jumped out at me was, “that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written…” Don’t go beyond what is written. That really stuck with me. So often, we “go beyond.” We want to know more, we want to figure it out. But that was part of the problem here in Corinth. They were so focused on what they knew, and what they could figure out, that they were losing sight of the fact that Christ was the one to follow. Instead, they were following the man they thought most wise or knowledgeable about the things of God. Right from the first chapter of this book, Paul is reminding these people that human wisdom is foolish, and that true wisdom can only come from God. Therefore, knowledge of spiritual truths is nothing to be prideful over. Rather, we are to be thankful that these truths have been revealed to us. Instead, we look for man after man to lead us. We want the most knowledgeable, the most experienced, the one who can speak most eloquently.
There is a line to walk here, of course. We know we are to test everything against the scriptures to see if it is true. So we must study the scriptures and know them, or we will never be able to hold any doctrine up to it for examination. Then there are commentaries and historical documents that can help us understand what was going on when different passages were written. Context changes the way people hear things. To someone who has grown up in the city, it might not make sense that we call Jesus the Good Shepherd. But once you explain how sheep need to be watched and led to food and water, and guarded against wolves and other predators, the picture of Jesus begins to change. Now He’s not just a man standing in a field with a staff. Now He is everything necessary to a safe, healthy life. So I’m not saying not to study, and study deeply. But this verse clearly says not to go beyond what is written. Let me give you an example.
Last week a friend of mine posted something about the sovereignty of God. Another guy we both know from college commented this:
“I think that God likes to roll a die just like some of us do every now and then. I think He likes to see what will randomly happen every now and then. I believe He has all of the parameters put in place purposely and knows what the outcome of the roll will be before He rolls it, but nevertheless, randomness is still interesting. Randomness forces us to adapt and think critically. They are good tests for God to determine if we are willing to follow Him despite any random circumstance.
In addition to that, I also believe that God gives us the choice to make decisions, and lets us live with those decisions. Sure, there are times that He will interfere, but for the most part, I think He leaves a lot of things up to us. Sometimes the "thing that happened for a reason" is that we did it to ourselves - whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.”
The verse we’re discussing today had been rolling around in my head for about a week when I read this, and his comment just set me on fire. “I feel,” “I think,” “I believe…” and not a bit of scripture. I wanted to tear into him and tell him how out of line he was. But I've found that yelling rarely convinces someone that they’re wrong, so I tried to be nice. I said, “Nice theory with the dice. Any scripture to back that up?” He didn't reply with scripture. He said, “I’m made in His image, right? I honestly thing that this is a part of God’s creative spirit that dwells in all of us.” He went on to describe the great variety we find in the world and added, “Do I really need a scripture verse to prove that God enjoys randomness? Doesn't His creation prove it enough?”
SO many people have this same idea about God. They look around at themselves and other people and creation and think they can figure out who God is by that. It’s like seeing the colors on a painter’s palate and thinking you can know everything about the painter by that small bit of information. So I said, “Yes (because he asked if he needed scripture). We don’t have to assume who He is, because He’s told us. He is a God of order (that’s scripture). He places the stars and counts the hairs on my head and gathers our tears in bottles. That’s scripture! He sets parameters in place…He has plans for me. That’s the God we see in the Bible…The Bible also tells us that He holds us together. Actually holds us together! If He were to take His hands off, the world would fall apart. He is just so much bigger and so much more than we can ever realize…I know that the Bible doesn't tell us everything about God. But He gave us what He wanted us to have. I don’t even understand everything about Him that is IN the Bible. Until I have studied and digested and lived by THAT, I won’t try to figure out anything more.”
Maybe this is something that most of you realize already. But that is just one example of how people go beyond what is written. Making up a god that they think is there because of random bits of creation that they see. Thinking they can figure Him out because they have a small bit of knowledge. Verse four goes on to say, “that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one over another.” This is the danger. It’s the sin that was in the garden. The sin of wanting to know what God knows. Or at the very least (as we see often in churches today), wanting to follow the man that seems to know the most of what God knows. Be on your guard when you hear the words, “I think,” or “I feel,” when it comes to spiritual matters. The heart and mind of man is wicked. Why would you trust it? Even hearing someone say what they “believe” needs to be listened to with guarded ears. Measure everything against scripture. If you hear someone say what they believe, ask what scripture they've based that belief on! You don’t have to be rude, especially since they might be absolutely correct. But study, study, study!
When you witness, answer questions with scripture. I know it’s hard to memorize chapter and verse. But you can memorize at least some. And even if you don’t know the exact wording or exactly where it is found, you should be reading your Bible enough to at least know what is in there. If they want to read it for themselves, look it up and give them the reference later. But don’t tell people what you think, just based off of emotion or personal experience. God has given us the perfect tool to plant spiritual seeds, water them, and bring in the harvest.
I used to be the worst offender in this area. Looking back, I cringe at how many times I offered my opinion instead of the precious Word of God. This is an area that God has grown me in (He has used my husband to help me so much with this!). I pray that this verse is both a challenge to you and an encouragement. A challenge to follow it, because it is what we are commanded to do. An encouragement because everything you need is IN the Bible, so you will never have to flounder about for the “right” answer again. Dig in! Learn! Grow! Study and wash yourself with the Word so that when the time comes to give an answer, His words will be on your lips.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
God is...
"God is love." I have come to roll my eyes and inwardly groan when I hear those words. My thoughts jump to, "Yes, He is love, but He is also justice and holiness and righteousness. Just because He is loving does not mean He will allow you to get away with whatever you want." Cotton-candy theology that paints God as an indulgent grandfather gets under my skin.
But here's the thing; God IS love. Just because He is just and holy and right does not mean that He is not also loving. This perfect balance between God's love and His justice is so hard for humanity to understand, and even harder to live out. Christians are to be imitators of Christ, which means we are called to balance love and righteousness just as He does.
There are so many ways I have been stretched over the past six or seven months. So many emotions that I have dealt with. What I'm finding is that God has done a more intense surgery on me than any doctor. Today, He is cutting away things about me that are unloving.
I have hidden behind justice and righteousness. I have been haughty and prideful. I have judged the lost for being lost. I have been selfish, not willing to suffer a chance of emotional pain, though my Savior suffered so much for me. 1 Peter tells us to be prepared for persecution and suffering, and I have not. In the process of protecting myself from pain, I have become cold and resentful toward those who have hurt me. This is not the spirit of Christ. It is not being a reflection of Him. It is not being a light for the lost...in no way will this attitude draw others to Him. Lord, forgive me! Soften my heart, give me wisdom.
(1Co 13:1) If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
All of the times I have taught the word of God, while bitterness was in my heart...Lord, I confess my useless noise.
(1Co 13:2) And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
I have proclaimed Your power to heal, but have allowed rifts to remain in relationships around me. Lord, I am so sorry for mocking You in this way.
(1Co 13:3) If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
I have given time and resources to people around me, opened my home and heart to many strangers but not welcomed family who I felt had personally wronged me. Instead of enduring with meekness and gentleness, I kept away from people. Thank You, Lord, for showing me how wrong I have been!
(1Co 13:4-5) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
Resentment has been in my heart for years. Thank You for softening me, for breaking me, for giving me Your love. I know these changes are not from my own desire to be good. My desires have been self-protecting and arrogant. Thank You for Your faithfulness to complete the good works that you begin in me. Thank You for molding me, bringing me closer to You, for chastising me.
(1Co 13:6) it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
I DO rejoice with truth. I desire to tell others of Your holiness and righteousness and justice. Continue to show me that these things are to be done in a loving way. Not to make others hopeless, but to point them to their need for You. Those who are lost are condemned already and adding my personal judgement will not save them. Instead, they need to see that though Your justice demands payment, Your love has provided that payment already. Make me approachable, not condemning.
(1Co 13:7) Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Help me to endure suffering as You did. Remind me of Your sacrifice; compared to that, my disappointments are so small!
(1Co 13:8-10) Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
The things of this world are so fleeting. Help me to set my heart on the eternal.
(1Co 13:11) When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
Lord, mature me!
(1Co 13:12-13) For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
But here's the thing; God IS love. Just because He is just and holy and right does not mean that He is not also loving. This perfect balance between God's love and His justice is so hard for humanity to understand, and even harder to live out. Christians are to be imitators of Christ, which means we are called to balance love and righteousness just as He does.
There are so many ways I have been stretched over the past six or seven months. So many emotions that I have dealt with. What I'm finding is that God has done a more intense surgery on me than any doctor. Today, He is cutting away things about me that are unloving.
I have hidden behind justice and righteousness. I have been haughty and prideful. I have judged the lost for being lost. I have been selfish, not willing to suffer a chance of emotional pain, though my Savior suffered so much for me. 1 Peter tells us to be prepared for persecution and suffering, and I have not. In the process of protecting myself from pain, I have become cold and resentful toward those who have hurt me. This is not the spirit of Christ. It is not being a reflection of Him. It is not being a light for the lost...in no way will this attitude draw others to Him. Lord, forgive me! Soften my heart, give me wisdom.
(1Co 13:1) If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
All of the times I have taught the word of God, while bitterness was in my heart...Lord, I confess my useless noise.
(1Co 13:2) And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
I have proclaimed Your power to heal, but have allowed rifts to remain in relationships around me. Lord, I am so sorry for mocking You in this way.
(1Co 13:3) If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
I have given time and resources to people around me, opened my home and heart to many strangers but not welcomed family who I felt had personally wronged me. Instead of enduring with meekness and gentleness, I kept away from people. Thank You, Lord, for showing me how wrong I have been!
(1Co 13:4-5) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
Resentment has been in my heart for years. Thank You for softening me, for breaking me, for giving me Your love. I know these changes are not from my own desire to be good. My desires have been self-protecting and arrogant. Thank You for Your faithfulness to complete the good works that you begin in me. Thank You for molding me, bringing me closer to You, for chastising me.
(1Co 13:6) it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
I DO rejoice with truth. I desire to tell others of Your holiness and righteousness and justice. Continue to show me that these things are to be done in a loving way. Not to make others hopeless, but to point them to their need for You. Those who are lost are condemned already and adding my personal judgement will not save them. Instead, they need to see that though Your justice demands payment, Your love has provided that payment already. Make me approachable, not condemning.
(1Co 13:7) Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Help me to endure suffering as You did. Remind me of Your sacrifice; compared to that, my disappointments are so small!
(1Co 13:8-10) Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
The things of this world are so fleeting. Help me to set my heart on the eternal.
(1Co 13:11) When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
Lord, mature me!
(1Co 13:12-13) For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Fewer and Further Between
My appointments are getting fewer and further apart. Such wonderful news! Radiation went well, as far as we can tell right now. My full-body scan showed thyroid cancer remnants only in my thyroid area, which is really good news. The radiation should take care of this, and I will have another scan in 6 months which will (hopefully) show no cancer left at all.
Another test, called a tumor count (or tumor marker), is pretty high still. The oncologist said they want to see the number be 4 or less...mine was 86. But don't freak out. They knew this number was going to be high, so we're just going to watch for it to drop. That was also just before I took my treatment, but it will be a little while before we can get another accurate count, since the cancer should be dying from the radiation and that doesn't happen all in one day.
It's amazing how much there is to know about this illness. I have so much information that I never thought I would need, and I still don't understand everything. But it has created more compassion in me for others going through such sicknesses. Pills and blood draws, treatments and waiting...it's part of everyday life for so many people. I am thankful that my life has been able to continue with such minor interruptions. I am also thankful that I now have a better understanding of what it's like for so many people around me.
My thyroid dose is being increased, so I will probably have another increase in weight loss (is that a backward way to say it, or did you follow me ok?). This is no big deal, as these levels will have to be monitored and adjusted forever. I am still losing weight on the dose that I'm currently taking, so we'll see what the next round does for me. It's so encouraging to see my numbers go back down to what they were 3+ years ago! I saw my weight charted starting way back before I was carrying Mikey, and the steady rise on paper is alarming. But the recent drop made me do a little happy dance! lol.
Well, I don't have much time today...or deep, emotional thoughts...so I'm ending this for now. I love you all. I am forever thankful for your kindness and prayers. I say it often, but I cannot thank each of you enough. The support I have received from those around me has been incredible. I pray you have a wonderful weekend!
Another test, called a tumor count (or tumor marker), is pretty high still. The oncologist said they want to see the number be 4 or less...mine was 86. But don't freak out. They knew this number was going to be high, so we're just going to watch for it to drop. That was also just before I took my treatment, but it will be a little while before we can get another accurate count, since the cancer should be dying from the radiation and that doesn't happen all in one day.
It's amazing how much there is to know about this illness. I have so much information that I never thought I would need, and I still don't understand everything. But it has created more compassion in me for others going through such sicknesses. Pills and blood draws, treatments and waiting...it's part of everyday life for so many people. I am thankful that my life has been able to continue with such minor interruptions. I am also thankful that I now have a better understanding of what it's like for so many people around me.
My thyroid dose is being increased, so I will probably have another increase in weight loss (is that a backward way to say it, or did you follow me ok?). This is no big deal, as these levels will have to be monitored and adjusted forever. I am still losing weight on the dose that I'm currently taking, so we'll see what the next round does for me. It's so encouraging to see my numbers go back down to what they were 3+ years ago! I saw my weight charted starting way back before I was carrying Mikey, and the steady rise on paper is alarming. But the recent drop made me do a little happy dance! lol.
Well, I don't have much time today...or deep, emotional thoughts...so I'm ending this for now. I love you all. I am forever thankful for your kindness and prayers. I say it often, but I cannot thank each of you enough. The support I have received from those around me has been incredible. I pray you have a wonderful weekend!
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