Loss

So far in my journey, I've only shared the good I've seen. And there is SO much good, SO MUCH that I am thankful for. It is my first reaction (and it is a proper reaction) for me to be thankful. But there are other emotions. I would be wrong to ignore them our pretend they don't exist. Jesus cried when He was here on earth. He knows what it is to feel loss and pain. He does not expect me (or anyone else) to be emotionless or only joyful no matter what comes our way. So, to be honest with you, today was hard.

  There are circumstances that I'm not ready to share with the general public yet. What I will share is that today, the day before this second, more aggressive surgery, was a possible "last day" for me in some regards. The probability is that after tomorrow, one area is my life will never be the same. And it's so much smaller than facing death, so much less than it could be...at moments I feel silly for being sad. But I am sad. And I did cry. And I did do things once more, just in case it will be "never again." And I did my best to honor God while doing it.

  Here's the thing...death comes to this fallen, sinful world. My cancer is a direct result of sin and the curse upon the earth because of sin. The Bible tells us that rain falls on the just and the unjust. So I don't expect to escape life unscathed. I have seen comments people I don't even know are making because they've read my blog. "Incredible faith," "amazing woman," "sweet christian..." I take those compliments as a reflection of the peace that God has given me. But I am not as perfect as this makes me sound...however, God IS growing my faith, and He is allowing you to see it. So there must be a purpose in all of this. Without the cancer, how would my faith be shown? If there were no trials, would you know I trusted God? No, of course not...there would be no way you could see it in my life. But today I cried. Today I felt loss. Today I said goodbye to something that has been part of my identity for my entire life.

  And I can still tell you tonight that my God is good.

  He is perfectly able to protect me from loss...but He may ask me to die this little death for Him.

  To show His strength growing in me more perfectly.

  Maybe to remove one thing in my life that generates personal pride.

  To allow me to worship Him more perfectly.

  Maybe so I can really identify with someone who has lost an important part of themselves.

Whatever His plan, I pray:

"Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone and live so all might see the strength to follow Your commands could never come from me. Oh, Father, use my ransomed life in any way you choose, and let my song forever be, "my only boast is You!" Hallelujah, all I have is Christ, hallelujah, Jesus is my life!"

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever will lose his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 16:24-25

My many blessings

  As much as I think I should feel bad for myself, all I can feel at the moment is blessed. I'm going to list the blessings God has given me as I face cancer.
  My wonderful husband. Even though I know he feels lost and helpless, he is with me every step. Sometimes it seems as though I'm comforting him, but just having him near comforts me. Knowing that the one who knows me better than anyone (and loves me anyway!) will hold my hand before I fall asleep and be waiting to tell me he loves me when I wake up gives me strength. It makes me smile my best for him. I can face this with him by my side.
  My beautiful children. Last night Trin had set out our plates with dinner, put salad in our bowls and even lit a candle. The boys did the dishes and the house was wonderfully clean. I've had hugs and cards from all four of them (Nana and sissy helped Michael with his card). They are worried about me, but I am happy to see them trust God in spite of their natural fear. All it takes to calm their tears is a hug and a reminder that God is in complete control. Last night we stopped at church and my two "adopted" children were immediately at my side. One getting me water, one bringing me food, both within reach the whole time I was there. I thought God brought Jazzy and Gordon to us so we could help them, but I was so thankful for the love they showed me last night. Now I know these relationships are as much for my benefit as for theirs. I am so blessed.
  My church family. This has two parts. The first part is a little white church across from Walmart full of loving people. From here meals have been organized for my family. My pastor's wife made sure she was there to be with Brad while I was in surgery. A young lady had volunteered to stay in my home to take care of my house, my kids and even my babysitting kids so that we don't lose income. The second part is all the people who don't attend my church but are still my brothers and sisters in Christ. The meals are being organized from my church, but as close as I can count, they are coming from 5 different church bodies. Thus is truly the body of Christ caring for one member that is in need.
  My doctors. I have had so many assurances that the people caring for me are knowledgeable and competent. They are also thoughtful and patient. And at least one of them is a believer, which is better than all the rest!
  Family. My in laws have cared for my children. My sister lent me her Kindle so I would be "connected" while I was in the hospital. Everyone has visited and loved on me in their own ways.
  Preparation. From the beginning, I have felt like God was preparing me for something big. I won't say, "I knew it was cancer, God told me." But I did have a sense of being prepared. Other than the first moment when they told me they saw "something" on my lung that needed a closer look, nothing has surprised me. I have just felt God gently saying, "be ready." Before I even had the stomach bug I had set up a meeting with Blue Ribbon Foods to get organic, natural meals in place. This one of the best ways I can help my body fight cancer, and God provided the means before I knew I had a need.
I'm sure there are more, but these are the big blessings that jump out at me right now. I pray they are an encouragement to you. God surely provides our every need!

Now that I know

I have cancer. I've stared at that sentence for a very long time now. Seeing it in print makes things much more real. Cancer is something that always happens to someone else... until you ARE the someone else. Please bear with me if I ramble a bit; this is the first time I've been alone with my thoughts all day. I'm writing tonight to tell you about the love of God. It may sound strange to you, considering that I am sending this out from a hospital bed. But as I said in my last blog, I have lost my ability to worry about this health issue. What I have been through today is proof that I do not need to worry. So I am going to share with you my testimony of this journey, and God's loving triumph over my fear. You may not know how I discovered that there was something abnormal going on, so I will start at the beginning. A little more than a month ago, I woke up with an upset stomach. As the day progressed, I had intense waves of pain in my abdomen. I also had a persistent fever. My dear friend, Kim, was concerned that I might have a tubal pregnancy. This was on a Monday. Of course, like most moms, I brushed it off and assumed I would get better. Tuesday I woke up fine, but by ten the pains and the fever were back. Kim called to check on me (always a nurse, even when she's off the clock!) and made me promise to call my doctor as soon as she hung up. So Tuesday afternoon found me getting blood drawn and peeing in a cup. The pregnancy test came back negative, my bladder and urinary tract were not infected. But my bloodwork showed signs of infection. I was told to come back the next day for a CT on my abdomen. Wednesday's CT preliminary results showed that my gall bladder and appendix were fine. I just had a virus! I remember telling the ladies at Bible study that night that I was thankful for my virus. I still am, but now for a different reason. By this late in the week, I was feeling almost back to normal. So the call on Thursday was a complete surprise. As my scan was examined more closely, they saw a nodule on my lower left lung. Since the scan was of my abdomen, they wanted a closer look. So a CT was ordered for my chest. On Monday we I had the chest CT done. I was going to wait (I can't think of why, now), but Brad told me to get it done as soon as I could. This time spots were found on my thyroid. A biopsy was done a week later on my thyroid (the spots on my lung are too small to worry about), but they were unable to get enough cells to make a diagnosis. I could have had a second biopsy, but the chances of surgery regardless of another biopsy were high enough that I decided to just do the surgery. The surgery happened yesterday (I started writing last this last night but got too tired to finish.). Surgery discovered that I do have thyroid cancer, and that it has spread to the nearby lymphnodes. Now I will need a more aggressive surgery to remove the rest of the thyroid and the lymphnodes. That will happen Tuesday. Now let me tell you how wonderful my Lord is! I have been protected throughout thi entire ordeal. I can look back and see the blessings that I didn't know were there when they were happening. I am so thankful for my virus! At first I was thankful because it meant I didn't have appendix or gall bladder issues. Now I am thankful because that virus led to the cancer being found. Do you see the insanely disconnected road that God led me down to show the doctors that something was wrong? There were no indications that I was sick. I would never have found the cancer without that virus. It would have been too late by the time I had any symptoms to have checked out. Not only did I get a virus that resulted in a CT, but that CT found spots that caused the second CT. And my wonderful husband was there, not letting me put it off. The decision to skip a second biopsy was a gut feeling. All along I felt that I was being prepared for something serious. Surgery was going to be needed, in my mind, so we just went ahead with it. I had perfect peace with that decision (though Brad was a bit overwhelmb,y the thought). As I was being prepared yesterday morning, the anesthesiologist told me what a wonderful surgeon I had. He went so far as to say that everyone on his team would want her, if they ever needed surgery. I was thankful for that reassurance, but it was nothing compared to what came next. When my doctor came in, she went over everything one more time, and then she asked if she could pray with me. What a blessing! She prayed for me, for my health, for herself as she operated, for her team as they helped her, and for my healing. It was heartfelt, and she was comfortable praying in front of others...I was thrilled to hear the confidence in her voice as she trusted our heavenly Father before she trusted her own skill. Again, I felt protected. I didn't choose my surgeon (I had no idea who to choose!) but I know God did. Over and over I see His hand guiding me, guiding decisions that are being made, guiding my doctors...and giving me peace every step of the way. I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I know that God has given me grace to endure each day as it comes.

While I don't know...

I have a hard time saying how I really feel, sometimes even to myself. That's why it never ceases to amaze me how I can start to write something and everything that's been in my heart pours out effortlessly. So I've learned to use the gift of writing to sort out my emotions. On Monday, June 25, 2012 I began to write as I waited for my name to be called for a biopsy to be done on my thyroid. People do it all the time, it's not a huge procedure. But when the results could say, "cancer," everything changes in your whole world and way of thinking. I only had a notepad and pencil that day, but now I have time to share my thoughts with you:
  I am writing this while I don't know. By the time you read it, I may have more information. But faith isn't about knowing. It's about trusting the One you cannot see, even in times of uncertain circumstances.
  Everyone is asking me if I am ok. I am. So they ask me if I'm sure. I am. I can smile when they ask, because it reminds me of how loved I am. But being ok doesn't mean I have no questions, or that I never consider that the worst could be coming. I have asked, "Is this the beginning of the end?" But still, I am ok. It's almost thrilling to discover that I have a deep peace, even now. This peace could only come from my heavenly Father. Peace that is there as I think about surgery. Peace as I talk to my children about why I have to go to the doctor again. Peace even as I tell my friends that there is a possibility of cancer in my body. It doesn't mean that I am sure everything is going to be "normal" after this test. It just means that I have peace that has conquered my ability to worry about it.
  Yesterday's message asked if we had a song in our hearts. "Yes!" my soul shouted, "Yes, I do!" Through it all, a song has stayed in my heart and in my mind, exuding peace, allowing me to be ok:
The LORD has promised good to me
His word I hold secure
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
  This lesser-known verse of Amazing Grace has always been my favorite, but never has it been so beautiful to me as now.
  The LORD had promised- God never lies. If He promises a thing, I can trust in it! What is it that my faithful Lord had promised? He has promised good to me. How can I worry when the One who gave Himself for me promises that He will provide good in my life? The joy that flows over me when I hear those words banishes fear. It brings tears of gratitude to my eyes. God owes me nothing, yet He has redeemed my soul. That alone is so much more than I deserve - yet He goes further and promises that He will bring good to my life.
  His word my hope secures; I don't have a frivolous hope, a vague grasping at what I would wish would happen. I have a hope that is secured by the word of God. It is a sure thing, so I can be truly hopeful; that is, full of hope. This hope assures me that whatever I go through, God will bring it to good in my life.
  He will my shield and portion be. Christ is my portion-my portion of strength, patience, endurance, courage, joy...more than just giving me these attributes so that I can walk through my trial, He is my peace, my strength - and He has overcome even death. If Christ in me is my ability to endure, than I surely can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He is also my shield. It could be easy to take my eyes off God, to forget His promises as I face the unknown. But even in the most difficult moments for my flesh, I have my Lord as a shield. He has endured pain, He has felt loss. He will walk before me and guard me from what I cannot bear.
  As long as life endures...is it possible that this is the beginning of the end? Yes, of course. It is just as likely that in a few moments, I will be called to the doctor's office to hear that I have had a miracle and everything abnormal is gone. But if this is as serious as cancer, what about the good that I have been promised? The good is in the strength and grace I am given to go through each unknown day. And this promise will last as long as life endures. I expect to live many more years, and those years could very well be illness-free. But no matter how God has numbered my days, His good will be with me every step of the way.
  Am I ok? Absolutely. What more could I ask for? I may have become a bit more sober as I face the fragility of my body. But sobriety is maturity. Perhaps all of this is simply to mature me. Whatever the reason, I have peace and joy in the knowledge that I am in the hands of my loving Father.

Proverbs 31 in Real Life

     It is a fairly common practice for Christians to read “the Proverb of the day,” meaning that whatever calendar day it is, that chapter in Proverbs would be read.  My problem with this in my own life is that 7 months out of the year have 31 days.  This means that at least every other month I am faced with my complete failure as a Christian woman.  The “virtuous woman,” as many call her, puts us all to shame.  Fortunately, we all know that this woman doesn’t really exist.  Right?  Isn’t that what our mothers and mentors and pastor’s wives and Sunday school teachers have told us?  What a load off my shoulders to be set free from such a standard!

     For years I was content to hear, “Of course, this woman doesn’t exist.  She is a model of the perfect woman.”  As a leader of women’s study groups, I have been guilty of saying, “but we all know that no one can measure up to this…” an out.  An excuse to not measure up to a passage in the Bible that God clearly gave specifically for His daughters.  For a moment, put all that you think of the Proverbs 31 woman out of your head and ask yourself, “what if she really did exist?”  Because if she really did walk this earth at one point in history, we have no excuse today.  I believe she did live and that we have her life story passed on to us in the book of Ruth.  So let’s take a few moments to examine exactly what this woman (whom we all say we admire but secretly despise and resent) can really teach us.

1. The virtuous woman is dedicated to her family.  Proverbs says that the heart of her husband can safely trust her.  She will do him good and not harm all the days of her life.  She rises while it is night to make preparations for her household.  While none of us is perfect and able to never cause hurt to our husbands, this is a goal we can strive for.  This should be our general character.  Ruth shows us it is possible.  She gave up everything she had known her whole life to follow her mother in law.  She obeyed Naomi’s instructions in order to find food to provide for them both.  She did not even question the unusual proposal that Naomi told her to make to Boaz, but followed every bit of her orders.  She did all of this out of her complete dedication to the only family that she had left, the mother of her deceased husband.  She had truly left her parents and clung to her husband, which included dedicating her life to his family.  There is every indication that Ruth obeyed and worked cheerfully, since she is commended for all that she has done for the sake of Naomi.
1. Do you recognize the ability to provide for your family as God’s gift to you?
2. Do you see your family as solely your (together with your husband) responsibility, depending on no one else to provide and train them?
3. Is it your desire to assist your husband in all of his endeavors, to support him and lift him up, or do you resent him when he seems to achieve more than you do?
4. Do you conduct yourself in such a way that your husband fully trusts his heart to you, not fearing unfaithfulness?
2. The noble wife is diligent in her work and delights in it.  She is disciplined, rising while it is dark so that her maids will have what they need for the day’s work.  She finds joy in working with her hands and uses her talents for financial gain.  She invests in order to secure the future of her household.  When hard times come, she is prepared.  This also is a reflection of her dedication to her husband, as she is a co-provider for the needs of the household.  She does not allow the stress of physical provision to rest solely on his shoulders.  Ruth worked hard, laboring in the fields to gather the crops.  She asked permission to glean, even though by law gleanings were her right, so permission was not needed, showing a humble and grateful spirit. She worked all day, every day, until the end of the harvest.  Together with what Boaz gave as a gift, Ruth was able to bring home produce enough not only to sustain herself and Naomi, but also enough to be sold in the market in order to purchase other necessities.
1. Do you look for ways to use the talents God has given you to provide for your household?
2. Are your spending habits beneficial to the future of your home or do you only think of purchases that satisfy your immediate desire?
3. Do you help your husband plan for future emergencies?
3. The honorable wife is dedicated to Godly speech.  She opens her mouth in wisdom and teaches kindness.  Every instance of speech we see by Ruth shows humility, gratitude and grace.
1. Does your speech reflect an honorable heart and a grateful spirit?
2. Are your words beneficial to others?
3. Do you rely on deceitful charm to draw others to you, or do you work so that your actions are worthy of praise without you saying a word?
4. The worthy wife is dependant on God.  A woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.  Ruth left all that she had to follow Naomi.  She left the gods she had been raised to follow and clung to the God of her husband’s family.  She submitted to God’s law and did not sneer or balk at how those laws changed her life.  Because of her faith, the law that she could have looked at as encumbering and overbearing was the tool that was used to bring her security, love, honor and a place in the very lineage of Jesus Christ.
1. Do you recognize God’s word as His love letter to you for an abundant life, or do you view it as a hindrance to the things you desire?
2. Do you depend on God to guide your steps through His word, prayer and Godly counsel, or do you forge through life without seeking Him and then pray that He will pick up any messes you have made?
3. Are you willing to shed the things that have ruled you in the past in order to serve Him completely?
5. The Godly woman dresses carefully and modestly and is honorable in her dealings with men.  She knows that beauty is vain, and does not seek to show her physical beauty in order to draw attention.  She balances beauty and modesty in her dress.  Beauty for the joy of it, for the honor it reflects to her husband and as a symbol of thankfulness for all God has provided.  Modesty to protect her character before the general populace and before her husband.  The heart of her husband can continue to trust in her because she shows him no reason to fear that she desires the attentions of another man.  Ruth shows us that there is nothing wrong with dressing for our man.  She prepared herself to be clean and dressed as well as possible before going to Boaz on the threshing floor.  This was not sex appeal, but rather an honoring act.  A poorly-dressed woman was a sign of a poorly managed home and a lack of material provision by the husband.  She was showing him that even in her appearance she would strive to bring honor to him as his wife.  She behaved modestly when approaching him at night.  She did not come to his side so that no one could accuse her of any immorality.  She lay at his feet, but we have no indication that she touched him even then.  As long as the people of the town had known her, she had shown herself to be virtuous.  She was careful to cast no shadow of doubt upon that character now.
1. Do you dress modestly, striving to clothe yourself more in “strength and dignity” than in the latest fashions?
2. Do you honor your husband in your appearance, making yourself physically appealing to him without flaunting your body for others?
3. Does your behavior toward men indicate morality and discourage inappropriate advances?
6. The excellent wife delivers blessings to others.  We have already seen how she provides for those under her roof, but Proverbs also tells us that she gives to the poor and needy.  Ruth provided for her needy mother in law, which we see as caring for her family.  But this showed that she was the perfect partner for generous Boaz, who gave gifts to Ruth without expecting anything in return.  She had a generous heart and gave of her own self to provide for Naomi.  More than that, after giving birth to her first child, she shared the raising of him with Naomi.  This incredible act of love was the perfect balm for Naomi’s many losses.  The women of the town recognized the complete selflessness in Ruth’s gift and honored her as “better than seven (the number of perfection) sons.”
1. Do you give to others out of your abundance or do you hoard your blessings?
2. Do you seek to heal the hurts of others, even if it requires personal sacrifice?
3. Do you strive to be of benefit to all and a burden to no one, as Christ was when he walked the earth?

     The Virtuous Wife in Proverbs 31 is a challenge to us all.  Often we read this chapter and become frustrated and overwhelmed.  But the life of Ruth gives us hope.  She was a real woman who had real sorrows and real difficulties.  We can connect with her because of her poverty and her loss.  Yet she never wallows in misery.  She always shows grace and honor in her life.  When others saw her coming down the street, their thoughts were not of her poverty or of her lonely life.  Her behavior caused others to think first of her great love for Naomi, her dependability and hard work and of her moral conduct.  Through her life we see that it is possible to overcome great heartache if we will rest in God and His plan for us.  We can see that we do not have to be sensual to be attractive.  We can find joy in serving others and reward in being disciplined.  Ruth takes away our excuses for not being a Proverbs 31 woman.  May we strive to be better than seven sons!