1 Cor. 4:6

  Now that I am working second shift, I am no longer able to lead our women's Bible study.  However, I am writing lessons for them and Kim is using those lessons along with her own to teach on Tuesday nights.  I love listening to my dear sister teach, and I have encouraged her to post her lessons for those of you who are not near enough to attend.  So I've decided to post mine as well.  I hope these lessons encourage and challenge you in your walk with Christ!


     It is amazing to me how we can read the Bible over and over and over again and still find new things in it!  And beyond that, how God brings things into our lives to emphasize the importance of the new thing that He has shown us.  At least, that’s how it is in my life!  Here is a verse that I have read countless times, I’m sure.  But I finally SAW it.  God’s word is so beautiful, and so…good!  Even though this is a little different than what I normally have prepared for our ladies’ study, it felt important…so I’m just going with it, and trusting that this is what God wants me to share.

1 Corinthians 4:6  I have applied all these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, brothers, that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written, that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one against another.

     That’s it!  Just one little verse.  And at first, it seems like there isn't much there.  It’s in the middle of this huge passage about church leaders, and about not following a man as your spiritual leader, since he is only the servant of Christ who has actually purchased your salvation.  I encourage you to read the whole book, being aware of this setting.  It will change your view of some verses that you have probably heard used out of context.  But that’s not the part I want to focus on right now.  The part that jumped out at me was, “that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written…”  Don’t go beyond what is written.  That really stuck with me.  So often, we “go beyond.”  We want to know more, we want to figure it out.  But that was part of the problem here in Corinth.  They were so focused on what they knew, and what they could figure out, that they were losing sight of the fact that Christ was the one to follow.  Instead, they were following the man they thought most wise or knowledgeable about the things of God.  Right from the first chapter of this book, Paul is reminding these people that human wisdom is foolish, and that true wisdom can only come from God.  Therefore, knowledge of spiritual truths is nothing to be prideful over.  Rather, we are to be thankful that these truths have been revealed to us.  Instead, we look for man after man to lead us.  We want the most knowledgeable, the most experienced, the one who can speak most eloquently.

     There is a line to walk here, of course.  We know we are to test everything against the scriptures to see if it is true.  So we must study the scriptures and know them, or we will never be able to hold any doctrine up to it for examination.  Then there are commentaries and historical documents that can help us understand what was going on when different passages were written.  Context changes the way people hear things.  To someone who has grown up in the city, it might not make sense that we call Jesus the Good Shepherd.  But once you explain how sheep need to be watched and led to food and water, and guarded against wolves and other predators, the picture of Jesus begins to change.  Now He’s not just a man standing in a field with a staff.  Now He is everything necessary to a safe, healthy life.  So I’m not saying not to study, and study deeply.  But this verse clearly says not to go beyond what is written.  Let me give you an example.

     Last week a friend of mine posted something about the sovereignty of God.  Another guy we both know from college commented this:

     “I think that God likes to roll a die just like some of us do every now and then. I think He likes to see what will randomly happen every now and then. I believe He has all of the parameters put in place purposely and knows what the outcome of the roll will be before He rolls it, but nevertheless, randomness is still interesting. Randomness forces us to adapt and think critically. They are good tests for God to determine if we are willing to follow Him despite any random circumstance.

In addition to that, I also believe that God gives us the choice to make decisions, and lets us live with those decisions. Sure, there are times that He will interfere, but for the most part, I think He leaves a lot of things up to us. Sometimes the "thing that happened for a reason" is that we did it to ourselves - whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.”

     The verse we’re discussing today had been rolling around in my head for about a week when I read this, and his comment just set me on fire.  “I feel,” “I think,” “I believe…” and not a bit of scripture.  I wanted to tear into him and tell him how out of line he was.  But I've found that yelling rarely convinces someone that they’re wrong, so I tried to be nice.  I said, “Nice theory with the dice.  Any scripture to back that up?”  He didn't reply with scripture.  He said, “I’m made in His image, right?  I honestly thing that this is a part of God’s creative spirit that dwells in all of us.” He went on to describe the great variety we find in the world and added, “Do I really need a scripture verse to prove that God enjoys randomness?  Doesn't His creation prove it enough?”

     SO many people have this same idea about God.  They look around at themselves and other people and creation and think they can figure out who God is by that.  It’s like seeing the colors on a painter’s palate and thinking you can know everything about the painter by that small bit of information.  So I said, “Yes (because he asked if he needed scripture).  We don’t have to assume who He is, because He’s told us.  He is a God of order (that’s scripture).  He places the stars and counts the hairs on my head and gathers our tears in bottles.  That’s scripture!  He sets parameters in place…He has plans for me.  That’s the God we see in the Bible…The Bible also tells us that He holds us together.  Actually holds us together!  If He were to take His hands off, the world would fall apart.  He is just so much bigger and so much more than we can ever realize…I know that the Bible doesn't tell us everything about God.  But He gave us what He wanted us to have.  I don’t even understand everything about Him that is IN the Bible.  Until I have studied and digested and lived by THAT, I won’t try to figure out anything more.”

     Maybe this is something that most of you realize already.  But that is just one example of how people go beyond what is written.  Making up a god that they think is there because of random bits of creation that they see.  Thinking they can figure Him out because they have a small bit of knowledge.  Verse four goes on to say, “that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one over another.”  This is the danger.  It’s the sin that was in the garden.  The sin of wanting to know what God knows.  Or at the very least (as we see often in churches today), wanting to follow the man that seems to know the most of what God knows.  Be on your guard when you hear the words, “I think,” or “I feel,” when it comes to spiritual matters.  The heart and mind of man is wicked.  Why would you trust it?  Even hearing someone say what they “believe” needs to be listened to with guarded ears.  Measure everything against scripture.  If you hear someone say what they believe, ask what scripture they've based that belief on!  You don’t have to be rude, especially since they might be absolutely correct.  But study, study, study!
     When you witness, answer questions with scripture.  I know it’s hard to memorize chapter and verse.  But you can memorize at least some.  And even if you don’t know the exact wording or exactly where it is found, you should be reading your Bible enough to at least know what is in there.  If they want to read it for themselves, look it up and give them the reference later.  But don’t tell people what you think, just based off of emotion or personal experience.  God has given us the perfect tool to plant spiritual seeds, water them, and bring in the harvest.
     I used to be the worst offender in this area.  Looking back, I cringe at how many times I offered my opinion instead of the precious Word of God.  This is an area that God has grown me in (He has used my husband to help me so much with this!).  I pray that this verse is both a challenge to you and an encouragement.  A challenge to follow it, because it is what we are commanded to do.  An encouragement because everything you need is IN the Bible, so you will never have to flounder about for the “right” answer again.  Dig in!  Learn!  Grow!  Study and wash yourself with the Word so that when the time comes to give an answer, His words will be on your lips.

God is...

     "God is love." I have come to roll my eyes and inwardly groan when I hear those words. My thoughts jump to, "Yes, He is love, but He is also justice and holiness and righteousness. Just because He is loving does not mean He will allow you to get away with whatever you want." Cotton-candy theology that paints God as an indulgent grandfather gets under my skin.

     But here's the thing; God IS love. Just because He is just and holy and right does not mean that He is not also loving. This perfect balance between God's love and His justice is so hard for humanity to understand, and even harder to live out. Christians are to be imitators of Christ, which means we are called to balance love and righteousness just as He does.

     There are so many ways I have been stretched over the past six or seven months. So many emotions that I have dealt with. What I'm finding is that God has done a more intense surgery on me than any doctor. Today, He is cutting away things about me that are unloving.

     I have hidden behind justice and righteousness. I have been haughty and prideful. I have judged the lost for being lost. I have been selfish, not willing to suffer a chance of emotional pain, though my Savior suffered so much for me. 1 Peter tells us to be prepared for persecution and suffering, and I have not. In the process of protecting myself from pain, I have become cold and resentful toward those who have hurt me. This is not the spirit of Christ. It is not being a reflection of Him. It is not being a light for the lost...in no way will this attitude draw others to Him. Lord, forgive me! Soften my heart, give me wisdom.

(1Co 13:1) If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

      All of the times I have taught the word of God, while bitterness was in my heart...Lord, I confess my useless noise.

(1Co 13:2) And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

      I have proclaimed Your power to heal, but have allowed rifts to remain in relationships around me. Lord, I am so sorry for mocking You in this way.

(1Co 13:3) If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

     I have given time and resources to people around me, opened my home and heart to many strangers but not welcomed family who I felt had personally wronged me. Instead of enduring with meekness and gentleness, I kept away from people. Thank You, Lord, for showing me how wrong I have been!

(1Co 13:4-5) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

      Resentment has been in my heart for years. Thank You for softening me, for breaking me, for giving me Your love. I know these changes are not from my own desire to be good. My desires have been self-protecting and arrogant. Thank You for Your faithfulness to complete the good works that you begin in me. Thank You for molding me, bringing me closer to You, for chastising me.

(1Co 13:6) it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

      I DO rejoice with truth. I desire to tell others of Your holiness and righteousness and justice. Continue to show me that these things are to be done in a loving way. Not to make others hopeless, but to point them to their need for You.  Those who are lost are condemned already and adding my personal judgement will not save them.  Instead, they need to see that though Your justice demands payment, Your love has provided that payment already.  Make me approachable, not condemning.

(1Co 13:7) Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

     Help me to endure suffering as You did. Remind me of Your sacrifice; compared to that, my disappointments are so small!

(1Co 13:8-10) Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.

     The things of this world are so fleeting. Help me to set my heart on the eternal.

(1Co 13:11) When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

     Lord, mature me!

(1Co 13:12-13) For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Fewer and Further Between

My appointments are getting fewer and further apart. Such wonderful news! Radiation went well, as far as we can tell right now. My full-body scan showed thyroid cancer remnants only in my thyroid area, which is really good news. The radiation should take care of this, and I will have another scan in 6 months which will (hopefully) show no cancer left at all.

Another test, called a tumor count (or tumor marker), is pretty high still. The oncologist said they want to see the number be 4 or less...mine was 86. But don't freak out. They knew this number was going to be high, so we're just going to watch for it to drop. That was also just before I took my treatment, but it will be a little while before we can get another accurate count, since the cancer should be dying from the radiation and that doesn't happen all in one day.

It's amazing how much there is to know about this illness. I have so much information that I never thought I would need, and I still don't understand everything. But it has created more compassion in me for others going through such sicknesses. Pills and blood draws, treatments and waiting...it's part of everyday life for so many people. I am thankful that my life has been able to continue with such minor interruptions. I am also thankful that I now have a better understanding of what it's like for so many people around me.

My thyroid dose is being increased, so I will probably have another increase in weight loss (is that a backward way to say it, or did you follow me ok?). This is no big deal, as these levels will have to be monitored and adjusted forever. I am still losing weight on the dose that I'm currently taking, so we'll see what the next round does for me. It's so encouraging to see my numbers go back down to what they were 3+ years ago! I saw my weight charted starting way back before I was carrying Mikey, and the steady rise on paper is alarming. But the recent drop made me do a little happy dance! lol.

Well, I don't have much time today...or deep, emotional thoughts...so I'm ending this for now. I love you all. I am forever thankful for your kindness and prayers. I say it often, but I cannot thank each of you enough. The support I have received from those around me has been incredible. I pray you have a wonderful weekend!

The Gift of Song

  I have a moment of pure joy to share today.  Many of you have been following this journey since the very beginning.  Many of you have wept with me, prayed for me, encouraged me, even supported my family through the ministry of meals.  There is no way I can thank everyone enough.  But today I need to express my thanks to Someone higher.  Last Sunday, for the first time since the end of June, I joined my husband for one song in front of our church as he lead worship.  There are no words for the gratitude I have to my Savior...my Healer...for that one song.
  It's not the same.  For the first time in my life I have no volume and very little range.  But I can sing, which is more than anyone expected.  Even my speaking voice is a precious gift that amazes the doctors.  I was supposed to have a whispery, garbled sound to my speech, and I don't.  As long as I don't try to raise my voice, most people can tell no difference from before my surgery.  It's been a process of small steps, and I keep expecting to hit the end, but I haven't yet.  I am thankful for every step:  I am thankful for the recordings we have been able to make in the past of Brad and I singing.  No matter what, we will always have those.  I am thankful for my speaking voice that is recongnizable as my own.  I am thankful that even before I left the hospital in July there were notes (they didn't come out the same pitch as I had in my head, which was a bit of a shock, but they were musical, at least).  I am thankful that one day I sang a note that finally did match the notes in my head.  I am thankful that the few notes I had back in August have grown to a few more notes.  I am thankful that, since I have no volume, we have microphones.  :-)  I am thankful for a husband who kept asking me to try to sing.  For being so gentle and loving, and who did not give up on trying to reclaim a bit of the music we have always made together.  I am thankful for those precious moments together again, praising the Lord in song.  I am thankful, even if what I have today is all I ever have, that music is not gone from my life.  I am amazed that God would even give me this.
  I don't know what God's plans are for my future.  I know He is fully able to restore me completely.  My prayer is that whatever He does give me, I will forever use it for His glory.  It's so easy to take for granted the things that He has provided.  I have so much, and yet I often find myself wishing for more.  But today my heart is full of nothing but gratitude, and I can clearly see all of His provision.  And this trial by fire has changed me in so many ways.  No matter what the future holds, I will forever be deeply, eternally, unspeakably thankful for the gift of song.

Isolation

  Today's post is for everyone like me.  Those facing the unknown, looking for someone to tell them what to expect.  The doctors can tell you, but you want to hear from someone who's gone through it.  How was it, really?
  Well, it wasn't all that bad, really.  I'll try to walk you through from beginning of my low-iodine diet to back home after in-hospital isolation time.
  The diet, for anyone who doesn't know, is formulated to starve your body of iodine.  This means no salt, unless it's iodine free.  No dairy, no seafood, no prepared or canned foods (no way to know what type of salt they use).  No going out to eat, no eggs (which means no noodles), no soy, very little meat and worst of all (for me) no creole seasoning!  I baked my own bread to make sure it was iodine free.  Other than that, I mainly ate stir-fry.  There are actually a LOT of things you can have, if you know how to cook them.  And I highly recommend that you go to Thyca.org and download the free pdf low-iodine cookbook they have there.  I did stir-fry because it was easy for me and I liked it.  I seasoned with Mrs. Dash (I had about 4 flavors I would rotate around), and it was just fine.  I started my diet on October 13th.  This was also the day I stopped taking my thyroid medicine.  At first, I didn't notice much change in my body or behavior.  As time went on, though, I began getting tired easier.  Not weak, really, just worn out.  My patience with the kids dropped.  I was more easily irritated.  Not as cheerful when Brad came home.  My habit is to stay up a little while after everyone has gone to bed...it's the only time of the day when I run no risk of anyone wanting anything from me.  But after 3 weeks of following this routine, I was the first in bed.  I didn't even care how late the kids stayed up.  If they stayed up late, that meant they would sleep in late, and that was fine with me!  I wasn't miserable, by any means.  My body was a little achy.  I didn't cheat.  We needed a TSH number of at least 30 for the treatment to be effective, and I was terrified that I would overlook something that I wasn't supposed to have and not hit my number.  Even though there were plenty of times when I watched others eat...often eating food that I had prepared...and known that it must have tasted so much better than what I had...still there was no REAL temptation.  All I had to do was think of my doctor shaking his head sadly and saying, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Swander, but your numbers aren't quite what we need.  We'll have to delay your treatment.  Let's try another week on the diet and then we'll do another blood draw."  This scene instantly banished any hunger for whatever food was nearby.
  On November 1st, I had my blood drawn.  I was so nervous about my numbers that my mom went with me.  It was an anti-climactic event, since the results didn't come until Friday.  Someone riding there and back with me really helped me not stress out about it, though.  It was also great to have time with just my mom...we don't get that often, and it was nice.  It funny how special times like that can be, even when nothing particularly important gets discussed.  The next afternoon the call came.  Remember, we're looking for a number of 30 or higher.  The nurse cheerfully announced that my numbers were great, the doctor was thrilled and we were on for treatment on Monday.  I asked what my THS level actually was.  It was 62!  I was so excited.  So happy that I hadn't taken "just one bite" somewhere along the way.  That one bite probably wouldn't have kept me from treatment, but it's a slippery slope, and cancer is nothing to mess around with, just for a few seconds of enjoyment.  She said, "You didn't cheat."  "No, I didn't!" I proudly replied.  She immediately asked how I was feeling.  I said, "Well, I just woke up from a nap."  She wasn't surprised.  But again, other than the sudden drops in energy, I was doing great.  The high of knowing I had done well over the past 3 weeks carried me through the weekend.  My husband was so proud of me.  It was so worth it all!
  Monday morning we headed back.  I had a full escort.  My mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law and their youngest boy all rode up to see me to the hospital.  We had to stop at my doctor's office to sign a consent form that had expired since I signed it back in July.  Then around the corner to the hospital where there was a bit of waiting and a lot of registration forms to sign before being wheeled like an invalid up to what must have been the furthest corner of the hospital.
  My whole room was insulated against radiation.  It became more personal as I looked around; it was insulated against me. The floor was covered with some sort of thin padding (which I was thankful for, because it was much warmer for bare feet than the cold laminated tiles in most rooms).  The wheeled try beside my bed was wrapped in plastic, as were the TVs and the toilet.  Here you can see a bit of the floor, plus how well they covered this oh-so-essential part of my room.

  I had to empty my suitcase into the closet and take the laptop and nook out of their cases.  All these cloth/leather coverings would easily absorb radiation, so they couldn't stay with me.  I changed into an outfit I got at goodwill and packed my regular clothes and all the other things I couldn't keep with me (including my purse) back into the suitcase.  My family couldn't stay too much longer, but before they left, we were able to pray together.

  Let me just say again how thankful I am for all of the prayers that have gone up on my behalf.  I am firmly convinced that the ease of this time has been a direct answer to those prayers.  Sometimes I fear we have a tendency to think, "everyone was so concerned, but it ended up not being a big deal at all!" almost like the prayers were an unnecessary effort.  I am here to say that I do not believe these blogs would be the same if it weren't for prayer!  Every step of the way, from surgery to recovery to the diet to radiation treatment and now recovery from the diet and radiation, I have been surrounded, covered, overwhelmed, wrapped up in prayer.  My story is different than others that I have heard.  I have not had the nausea that others told about.  I have not been miserable.  I have been able to function, even to cook (which I was told I would NOT want to do) right up until the day I left for treatment.  Our Father loves us, listens to us, answers us.  He is faithful and He cares.  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for praying for my family and me.  Be encouraged and stay on your knees for those you love.  Your Lord hears and is well able to act!
  After everyone left, I had nothing to do but wait for them to come in with the RAI pills.  I flipped through channels and set up the gadgets I'd brought to keep me entertained.  Found the best plug in spots for the laptop and nook, checked out where my mom had put my stash of hard candy (needed to keep the saliva glands working so the iodine didn't gather and make my neck swell up) and made sure I knew where all the notes people had sent with me were.  I'll post more on those later...they were very possibly the best part of it all.  The nurse gave me 2 little tablets that I had to let dissolve under my tongue to prevent the nausea that RAI sometimes causes.
  After a little while, my doctor and the radiologist came in.  They had a small, silver insulated canister with them.  They went over my instructions one more time:  Drink lots of water, wear gloves when handling things like the laptop or my phone, suck on candy (especially tart candy, like lemon drops...I also had lemon wedges in the room, which I squeezed into my water.  This seemed to work very well, as I was killing two birds with one stone), take extra showers.  After we had discussed everything we could think might be a question or concern, the canister came open.  Tongs pulled out 2 innocent-looking pills, each a bit larger than a tylenol.  They put them in my gloved hand and I popped them both in my mouth.  Down they went, along with a 12 oz bottle of water.  The men smiled and left.
  Dead silence.
  The silence was the worst.  All of you moms know that even though we often crave a bit of quiet, absolute silence usually means bad news.  :-D  With 4 or more kids always around my house, my "some thing's not right" radar goes nuts when there's no noise at all.  The TV came back on, but it was just because I needed something in the background.  It stayed on almost the whole time I was there.  I had left my contacts at home, knowing I would have to throw them away if I took them, so everything I watched was a bit blurry.
  Then I remembered the care package that Virginia had packed for me.  I had fun pulling out the crazy things she had stuffed into a colorful bag, and reading her reasons for each item.  Thank you, Lord, for a friend who gave me a reason to laugh when the emptiness of my room made me want to cry.  Then I read the first of the daily encouragement cards she had added.  Then came the notes from people on facebook and a couple text messages and phone calls.  By that time, an hour had passed and the radiologist was back with his little box to measure my radiation output.  He told me that I was emitting 50 times the amount of radiation deemed safe for the public.  I am so glad I had that hour of pick-me-up before he came in.  Instead of making me fearful over any possible side effects, I was encouraged that the treatment was, indeed, moving through my entire body and would attack any remaining cancer.  He took 3 measurements at 3 different distances from me, reminded me to drink lots of water, and left.
  The nurses would call before bringing in a meal tray to see if there was anything else I needed so that they could come in as few times as possible in a shift.  They were very nice, and took care of everything I needed, but they didn't stay longer than they had to.  They would wear a plastic covering that they would throw away before they stepped out of my room.  There were 3 trash cans, which housekeeping did not empty as they would in a normal room.  All of my meals were served with disposable everything...they even came in on a styrofoam tray.  After I was done eating, everything went into the trash.I had bottled water and cokes in my room before I was given the pills, and the nurse would bring a large cup of ice with each meal.  As I finished each 12 oz bottle of water, I would mark it on the nurse's marker board, since they were supposed to keep track of my fluids.  I also had to mark each time I used the well-protected toilet.  I took 2 showers each day.  One just after dinner and one mid-morning.  My doctor said this is something he recently started recommending for RAI treatments, as it makes a significant difference in flushing the radiation from the body.  They told me my goal should be about 4 hours of fluids per hour.  I wanted to make sure I got home on Thursday, so I was bound and determined to do at least that much.  My average ended up being 6.5 oz/hour, including the hours I was asleep.  I'm not bragging about how much I was able to drink, I just want anyone who might be about to go through this to know that it really does make a difference.  Fluids are the only thing that will make this process go more quickly.
  By the time I was measured on Tuesday, quite a bit of the radiation had been flushed from me already.  They started talking about me going home on Wednesday, which I had not dared to hope for.  I was so encouraged that it was easy to keep drinking!  Also, the RAI seemed to have made my mouth a bit dry, so I was happy to have all of that water.  Tuesday night was the election, and I went to sleep disappointed and with a headache.  Wednesday, everything caught up to me.  The lack of sleep from nervous energy Sunday night, the emotional drain from a video chat and phone calls with my kids (my precious 3 year old brought me to tears both when he was so excited to hear from me and when he was brokenhearted that I had to say goodbye), frustration over the presidential election results, all of this on top of the reduced energy from my diet (which I was still on) and lack of thyroid medication.  I had a headache.  I slept almost all morning and had little appetite.  I managed to keep up on the fluids, though.  I didn't want to add one more reason to be unhappy.  Finally it was time for another reading and I passed with flying colors!  Suddenly everything was bearable...I was going home!  With my wonderful husband on his way to pick me up, I started packing.  I tossed out any paper that I had touched with my bare hands, I threw away the rest of the candy and the toothbrush and toothpaste I had been using.  I flipped through the channels until I found something lighthearted that matched my mood, and watched bits of it as I paced the floor waiting for my ride.
  When Brad got there, he brought the suitcase that my parents had left with, with everything still inside.  He was not allowed in the room, but the nurse brought it to me.  I quickly pulled out the clothes I had worn to the hospital and changed.  I tossed out my goodwill clothes and packed the laptop and other electronics into the suitcase.  Brushed out my hair, put on a smile and went to meet the one person I had missed most of all.  This awesome man was ready with a big hug and a celebration plan.  We went to Longhorn steakhouse for a dinner like I hadn't had in ages.  I had a loaded baked potato, a salad smothered in ranch dressing, strawberry lemon aid and more steak than I could find room for.  What was left (about half of both steak and potato) came home with me for lunch the next day.  I will say, after a month of bland food, I did pay for that meal a bit the next day.  But, oh, it was worth it!  Sitting with my husband, knowing the treatment was done, feeling for the first time that the end of this ordeal really was in sight.  It was as much reason to celebrate as the birth of our children.
  Arriving home was incredible.  Hugs (several times around) and "Mama, we missed you!" and I love yous and promises of back rubs and foot rubs and help cooking and all the things my beautiful children know are special to me.    Until you are gone, you never know how important coming home is.
  I started back on my thyroid medicine the next morning.  All the excitement had worn me out, and I was so thankful that Tosha stayed around to help even after I was home.  I got up with Brad as usual, but ended up going back to bed before the morning was over and slept for almost 4 hours.  It will take a little bit of time for my energy levels to go all the way back up, but I feel better each day.  Today is Saturday, (3 doses of meds now) and I'm doing well.  That little pill will be part of my daily routine for the rest of my life.  Amazing how something so small makes such a difference.  Again, I praise the Lord, that He has allowed men the knowledge that gives me this supplement.
  So that was my radiation experience.  I will go in for a full-body scan in a couple weeks, and we'll find out how it worked.  I was blessed to not have any sickness during treatment, and more blessed to be surrounded by love, prayers and support through the entire ordeal.  If anyone has questions, please ask!  I will answer honestly and as accurately as I can.  The unknown can be scary.  I hope my post today is able to reassure someone who is walking this path behind me.

Surrounded

  Emotions all over the place today.  Trinity said, "Don't cry, Mama, or you'll make me start again."  She's such a good girl...I didn't even know she'd been crying; she didn't want me to see so I wouldn't worry.  I was fine this morning.  Slept in a little, got up & got ready for church.  I don't often wear my hair down, but I did since it was a special request from my dear hubby.  Then I figured since I was doing that for him, I might as well go all out.  I didn't dress fancy, but tried to look pretty in my comfy new shirt (goodwill special for $2) and jeans that I'm almost too small for now (can't type that without grinning!).  I dug out the makeup and sprayed his favorite perfume.  We had a couple pictures taken to make the day feel special.   Then comes worship service and songs that talk about being willing to give everything to be closer to Christ, and the tears come.  I hold my husband's hand and we sing, "...everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss..." and we both think of the music we've made together.  We think of the security we've lost emotionally since this disease touched our lives.  And even though tears are in my eyes, I smile because it's ok.  What does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul?  What does it profit me to gain perfect, untouched health but not be in the will of God?
  After service is over (which I've survived without a flood of tears), my precious Jay stands silently beside my seat.  One look tells me he's not ok.  I wrap my arms around his thin waist and whisper it's ok to tell me what's wrong.  His emotions spill out.  Fear and anxiety roll down his cheeks and splash onto my shoulder.  In his eyes, everything has been going so well.  It's hard for him to understand why I have to leave for so long.  And his words bring up the emotions I've been pushing aside.  We cry together and I tell him I'll call and it won't be long, and it's this one more thing so I can be sure I'll be healthy.  And I pray this is the end.  I will never be the same inside.  This journey has radically changed me.  But my children need stability, so for them I pray for "normal" again.
  Everyone tells me they are praying for me.  I feel surrounded by support and love and faith.  I didn't nap today, just enjoyed the feeling of my loved ones near me.  I know I'll crash hard tomorrow, but I wonder if I will sleep at all tonight.  My body is starting to get tired, but my emotions and mind are going full tilt.  Cherishing every smile, holding each child a little longer.  Reaching out to Brad just to touch him as he passes.  Only 4 days.  Not too long, in the grand scheme of things.  But it's so odd for us to be apart that even I, as reclusive as I am, am dreading it.
  I have had friends and family stop in to visit.  It's been wonderful.  It's been 4 hours since I started this blog, but each interruption has been a joy.
  Now dinner is almost ready and kids are looking forward to full tummies and I revel in doing this simple, everyday task for my family.  Others will step into my shoes over the next few days, but tonight my hands will bring them their plates.  Thank you, Lord, for the joy of serving my family.  Thank you for this day that has been so filled with love.

Continued Blessings...and Lessons in Faith

  It's getting closer.  One more full day at home, then I'm away for treatment.  Monday morning I have to leave my precious family.  I worry about them.  What if someone gets sick?  What if someone can't find something they need?  How is Mikey going to handle me being gone?  He's too young for me to prepare him, and he's ornery when he can't have Mama (ok, he's ornery a lot, but it's worse when he can't have Mama).  Did I get everything at the grocery store that they'll need while I'm gone?  Then there's the stuff I still have to do.  I have to pack...that will take all of about 10 minutes, but still, what if I forget something important, or something someone specifically gave me for this time away?  I'm not really taking much; a couple goodwill outfits (so I can just toss them out), a laptop, the nook, hard candy, water, my phone and... hmm...there's something else, I know there is...oh, ya, lotion.  I have to take 3 showers a day, so lotion is a good idea if I don't want my skin to be a complete itchy mess by the time I come home.  I need to make a chore list so Tosha knows what the kids' schedule should look like each day.  I need to make a babysitting list so she knows what kids to expect at what times each day.  I need to make a list of what's in the freezer so everyone knows what food is available.  Make sure everyone knows how to use the new phone.  Set up Skype (just tonight was given a way to communicate through Skype while I'm gone, so I'm excited about that) on all necessary computers.  And if I forget one of these things...then what?
  You know, it's so much easier for me to trust God with my own body than with my family.  I have said several times that I'm ok with having cancer because I know that God knows what He's doing.  I've even pointed out blessings that would have never happened if it weren't for this disease.  But leaving my family...that's hard.  Trusting that they will be just fine while I'm gone, that God will provide for them just as He always has...it's difficult to feel peaceful about that.
  I'm sitting here, reading that last sentence again.  That's my problem, isn't it?  I have put myself in the role of provider instead of completely understanding that everything comes from God.  I have called Him Jehovah Rapha (God my Healer), but I have not leaned on Him as Jehovah Jireh (God my Provider).
  And now I see how foolish I am.  Because He has already provided, and shown me that they were provided for and yet I insisted on worrying.  He gave me Tosha to oversee my household.  She is sweet, even-tempered, smart and patient.  He gave me my dear sister, Renee, who has already organized meals being brought to our home while I'm gone and even a few after I get back.  He has given me my mom and sister-in-law who can help Renee with a grocery store run if needed, and checking on everyone just to make sure they aren't going without.  Just today I found out that my mother-in-law won't be going to Michigan as was planned, so she will take the boys for one night.  That will help Mikey so much.  I was glad when I heard, but now...now I can see that God was showing me His perfect provision for the very things I have been concerned about.
  I am so unworthy of such a Savior.  Who has anticipated my every thought, who has already conquered every obstacle.  I keep trying to define and confine Him, and He keeps overflowing every box I create.

“Aslan" said Lucy "you're bigger".

"That is because you are older, little one" answered he.

"Not because you are?"

"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

― C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian: The Return to Narnia

  Oh, Lord; my Savior, my Healer, my perfect Provider...thank you for growing me tonight. I ask that You continue to purify and strengthen me. You know that I will miss my children and my wonderful husband while we are apart.  Thank you for soothing this Mama with assurance of your protection and provision.  Forgive me for my doubt, I pray!