Another thing I don't want to do

Well, the results are in, and they're exhausting.

I talked with my doctor yesterday about the CT results. She is no more concerned with the slightly abnormal reading in my lung than she was before,  but she will continue to monitor it to be safe. The CT showed "multiple lytic fuci within the cervical vertebral bodies which could represent boney metastatic involvement." That basically means there are little "pockets" in the vertebrae right at the base of my skull,  and those are typically found in connection with cancer.  BUT the PET scan didn't show cancer in any bone, which is really good.  Good... but confusing. Because if the "lyric fuci" aren't caused by cancer, then what ARE they caused by? So I'll be having an MRI done in April to get another look at that,  and I'll probably have a second MRI a few months later to see if there's any change.

That just leaves the cancerous lymph nodes in my neck that the PET scan revealed (and the CT confirmed). We know radioactive iodine therapy won't do anything to it. And traditional "beam" radiation is not incredibly effective on thyroid cancer. So I will be having surgery sometime soon to have those lymph nodes removed. And after that, possibly a chemo pill, though we'll have to see how the surgery goes before any further decisions are made.

I do appreciate that my dr is trying her best to be thorough without being too invasive. She never tries to rush through an explanation, and she listens to my concerns. As far as earthly healing, I think I'm in very good hands.

And what about healing that ISN'T earthly?

I have so many people praying for me.  I'm so thankful for each of you. Yesterday was tough. I thought I was ready for whatever was coming, but the word  "surgery" hit me hard. I want you all to know that I'm thankful for your prayers, your love, your support.  I need every bit of it,  as does my family. God is answering. Even if I'm never rid of this disease, I want each of you to know that He is being faithful. He hears, and He answers.

He gives me strength to smile and enjoy beauty and fun in spite of upcoming hardship. He gives my children peace and gentleness when they could so easily become bound by fear. He gives my husband wisdom and clarity even while we talk about the things we each are afraid of.

I AM scared. I don't want to go through this. But I'm not petrified. I cried yesterday. Several times. And I think that's natural. But I questioned myself at the time: are these tears proof that I don't really trust God? And then I began to remember all of the Bible stories I learned as a little bitty girl.

Joseph, who ultimately saved two entire nations, but who suffered slavery and prison for years before that.

Ruth, who was grandmother to a king and Christ Himself, but who lost everything she had before that.

Three Hebrew boys who were saved from the fiery furnace, but who didn't know they would be... and still they defied a king for their Lord.

Eve, who waited her whole life for the offspring who would crush the head of the serpent, believing the promise that wasn't fulfilled until generations and generations later.

The lousy goes on and on. Job, Abraham, Jacob, Noah, Jonah... all had hardship. This life doesn't go as we plan. And,  as Brad says, "no one is getting out of here alive."

And yet... nations ARE saved, kings ARE raised, fires ARE made harmless, and the promise IS fulfilled. Just not always the way we want. So, I will hold tightly to these promises as I face things I wish I did not have to face. I will remember that His stripes HAVE healed me; my soul is safe, no matter what happens to my flesh. I will be comforted by His Word and the church, as His people reach out to help me carry this burden. And I will pray that He would allow me a long life with my family. I will be thankful that I've been given today, even if I don't have perfect health. I will pray for strength to find joy in each day, even if I NEVER have perfect health again. And I will try to grow my faith by meditating on His Word. And one day, on the other side of this life, I'll see the whole picture and be thankful for every step.

I've never liked marathons

In junior high, I was in track. *gasp* Yes,  me.  And I really,  really wanted to run hurdles.  But the coaches never even asked me to try.  Instead,  they put me down for the mile.  Meet after meet,  I gasped my way around that track,  hating it every minute.  As a matter of fact,  the only thing worse was the one time they put me in the two mile. I was never an openly defiant kid... but that day I let my displeasure be clearly seen: I walked those two miles and didn't care how many people lapped me. I'm sure everyone was relieved when I didn't come out for the senior high team!

I would have loved to try the hurdles,  just once.  And I never understood why I wasn't given the chance. I probably wouldn't have been a star.  But I wouldn't have been miserable. Right?

Or... maybe I would have discovered that I was horrible at that too. And then even the hope of enjoying a sport would have been replaced by frustration and shame. I guess I'll never know. I do know that I hated the long run. We'd watch our teammates run sprints, relays,  hurdles,  the quarter mile... and then it was time for that long plod. Step after step of getting nowhere. I didn't even care what place I took. In reality, it wasn't a long race.  But it felt like ages to me every time, as well as incredibly pointless.  By the time we got to my race,  all the excitement was over. All the interesting heats had been decided.  I was just an indication that we would soon be headed home. Oh,  how I hated it!

I feel much the same now. There's so little that feels like progress.  I'm just plodding along on this track I didn't choose. Tomorrow I have a scan,  but that's not the end.  It's just passing the stands one more time. After this,  it could be as long as 4 months before I even have another doctor appointment.

I should be thankful.  I should be overwhelmed with gratitude that I'm not being rushed to surgery or plied with medications. But I never learned to like the marathon. I just want it to be over. It's exhausting.

And I'm so tempted to ask why I wasn't given hurdles. Something I think I can handle.  Why THIS race? I don't know. I'll probably never know. So it comes down to if I trust my Coach or not. In school, I didn't. They barely knew me,  and certainly didn't genuinely care.  I was just another talentless kid passing through.

But in life... here I pause and read that Christ died for me. And He didn't say that I would never suffer,  or that life would always work out the way I wanted. But He did promise that His burden is light. And,  with His sacrifice before me, my trial becomes so much easier to bear.

I'll never like the marathon. But I'm discovering (again,  as it's a lesson I seem to often forget) that the strength to run will be given as its needed.  And maybe I need the lesson more than I need any physical healing.

"God did not say 'thou shalt not be tempested, thou shalt not be travailed, thou shalt not be diseased.' But he said, 'thou shall not be overcome.' " ~Julian of Norwich