Sunday, November 4, 2012

Continued Blessings...and Lessons in Faith

  It's getting closer.  One more full day at home, then I'm away for treatment.  Monday morning I have to leave my precious family.  I worry about them.  What if someone gets sick?  What if someone can't find something they need?  How is Mikey going to handle me being gone?  He's too young for me to prepare him, and he's ornery when he can't have Mama (ok, he's ornery a lot, but it's worse when he can't have Mama).  Did I get everything at the grocery store that they'll need while I'm gone?  Then there's the stuff I still have to do.  I have to pack...that will take all of about 10 minutes, but still, what if I forget something important, or something someone specifically gave me for this time away?  I'm not really taking much; a couple goodwill outfits (so I can just toss them out), a laptop, the nook, hard candy, water, my phone and... hmm...there's something else, I know there is...oh, ya, lotion.  I have to take 3 showers a day, so lotion is a good idea if I don't want my skin to be a complete itchy mess by the time I come home.  I need to make a chore list so Tosha knows what the kids' schedule should look like each day.  I need to make a babysitting list so she knows what kids to expect at what times each day.  I need to make a list of what's in the freezer so everyone knows what food is available.  Make sure everyone knows how to use the new phone.  Set up Skype (just tonight was given a way to communicate through Skype while I'm gone, so I'm excited about that) on all necessary computers.  And if I forget one of these things...then what?
  You know, it's so much easier for me to trust God with my own body than with my family.  I have said several times that I'm ok with having cancer because I know that God knows what He's doing.  I've even pointed out blessings that would have never happened if it weren't for this disease.  But leaving my family...that's hard.  Trusting that they will be just fine while I'm gone, that God will provide for them just as He always's difficult to feel peaceful about that.
  I'm sitting here, reading that last sentence again.  That's my problem, isn't it?  I have put myself in the role of provider instead of completely understanding that everything comes from God.  I have called Him Jehovah Rapha (God my Healer), but I have not leaned on Him as Jehovah Jireh (God my Provider).
  And now I see how foolish I am.  Because He has already provided, and shown me that they were provided for and yet I insisted on worrying.  He gave me Tosha to oversee my household.  She is sweet, even-tempered, smart and patient.  He gave me my dear sister, Renee, who has already organized meals being brought to our home while I'm gone and even a few after I get back.  He has given me my mom and sister-in-law who can help Renee with a grocery store run if needed, and checking on everyone just to make sure they aren't going without.  Just today I found out that my mother-in-law won't be going to Michigan as was planned, so she will take the boys for one night.  That will help Mikey so much.  I was glad when I heard, but I can see that God was showing me His perfect provision for the very things I have been concerned about.
  I am so unworthy of such a Savior.  Who has anticipated my every thought, who has already conquered every obstacle.  I keep trying to define and confine Him, and He keeps overflowing every box I create.
“Aslan" said Lucy "you're bigger".
"That is because you are older, little one" answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."
― C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian: The Return to Narnia

  Oh, Lord; my Savior, my Healer, my perfect Provider...thank you for growing me tonight. I ask that You continue to purify and strengthen me. You know that I will miss my children and my wonderful husband while we are apart.  Thank you for soothing this Mama with assurance of your protection and provision.  Forgive me for my doubt, I pray!

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