You know, it's so much easier for me to trust God with my own body than with my family. I have said several times that I'm ok with having cancer because I know that God knows what He's doing. I've even pointed out blessings that would have never happened if it weren't for this disease. But leaving my family...that's hard. Trusting that they will be just fine while I'm gone, that God will provide for them just as He always has...it's difficult to feel peaceful about that.
I'm sitting here, reading that last sentence again. That's my problem, isn't it? I have put myself in the role of provider instead of completely understanding that everything comes from God. I have called Him Jehovah Rapha (God my Healer), but I have not leaned on Him as Jehovah Jireh (God my Provider).
And now I see how foolish I am. Because He has already provided, and shown me that they were provided for and yet I insisted on worrying. He gave me Tosha to oversee my household. She is sweet, even-tempered, smart and patient. He gave me my dear sister, Renee, who has already organized meals being brought to our home while I'm gone and even a few after I get back. He has given me my mom and sister-in-law who can help Renee with a grocery store run if needed, and checking on everyone just to make sure they aren't going without. Just today I found out that my mother-in-law won't be going to Michigan as was planned, so she will take the boys for one night. That will help Mikey so much. I was glad when I heard, but now...now I can see that God was showing me His perfect provision for the very things I have been concerned about.
I am so unworthy of such a Savior. Who has anticipated my every thought, who has already conquered every obstacle. I keep trying to define and confine Him, and He keeps overflowing every box I create.
“Aslan" said Lucy "you're bigger"."That is because you are older, little one" answered he."Not because you are?""I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."
― C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian: The Return to Narnia
Oh, Lord; my Savior, my Healer, my perfect Provider...thank you for growing me tonight. I ask that You continue to purify and strengthen me. You know that I will miss my children and my wonderful husband while we are apart. Thank you for soothing this Mama with assurance of your protection and provision. Forgive me for my doubt, I pray!