Emotions all over the place today. Trinity said, "Don't cry, Mama, or you'll make me start again." She's such a good girl...I didn't even know she'd been crying; she didn't want me to see so I wouldn't worry. I was fine this morning. Slept in a little, got up & got ready for church. I don't often wear my hair down, but I did since it was a special request from my dear hubby. Then I figured since I was doing that for him, I might as well go all out. I didn't dress fancy, but tried to look pretty in my comfy new shirt (goodwill special for $2) and jeans that I'm almost too small for now (can't type that without grinning!). I dug out the makeup and sprayed his favorite perfume. We had a couple pictures taken to make the day feel special. Then comes worship service and songs that talk about being willing to give everything to be closer to Christ, and the tears come. I hold my husband's hand and we sing, "...everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss..." and we both think of the music we've made together. We think of the security we've lost emotionally since this disease touched our lives. And even though tears are in my eyes, I smile because it's ok. What does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul? What does it profit me to gain perfect, untouched health but not be in the will of God?
After service is over (which I've survived without a flood of tears), my precious Jay stands silently beside my seat. One look tells me he's not ok. I wrap my arms around his thin waist and whisper it's ok to tell me what's wrong. His emotions spill out. Fear and anxiety roll down his cheeks and splash onto my shoulder. In his eyes, everything has been going so well. It's hard for him to understand why I have to leave for so long. And his words bring up the emotions I've been pushing aside. We cry together and I tell him I'll call and it won't be long, and it's this one more thing so I can be sure I'll be healthy. And I pray this is the end. I will never be the same inside. This journey has radically changed me. But my children need stability, so for them I pray for "normal" again.
Everyone tells me they are praying for me. I feel surrounded by support and love and faith. I didn't nap today, just enjoyed the feeling of my loved ones near me. I know I'll crash hard tomorrow, but I wonder if I will sleep at all tonight. My body is starting to get tired, but my emotions and mind are going full tilt. Cherishing every smile, holding each child a little longer. Reaching out to Brad just to touch him as he passes. Only 4 days. Not too long, in the grand scheme of things. But it's so odd for us to be apart that even I, as reclusive as I am, am dreading it.
I have had friends and family stop in to visit. It's been wonderful. It's been 4 hours since I started this blog, but each interruption has been a joy.
Now dinner is almost ready and kids are looking forward to full tummies and I revel in doing this simple, everyday task for my family. Others will step into my shoes over the next few days, but tonight my hands will bring them their plates. Thank you, Lord, for the joy of serving my family. Thank you for this day that has been so filled with love.