So far in my journey, I've only shared the good I've seen. And there is SO much good, SO MUCH that I am thankful for. It is my first reaction (and it is a proper reaction) for me to be thankful. But there are other emotions. I would be wrong to ignore them our pretend they don't exist. Jesus cried when He was here on earth. He knows what it is to feel loss and pain. He does not expect me (or anyone else) to be emotionless or only joyful no matter what comes our way. So, to be honest with you, today was hard.
There are circumstances that I'm not ready to share with the general public yet. What I will share is that today, the day before this second, more aggressive surgery, was a possible "last day" for me in some regards. The probability is that after tomorrow, one area is my life will never be the same. And it's so much smaller than facing death, so much less than it could be...at moments I feel silly for being sad. But I am sad. And I did cry. And I did do things once more, just in case it will be "never again." And I did my best to honor God while doing it.
Here's the thing...death comes to this fallen, sinful world. My cancer is a direct result of sin and the curse upon the earth because of sin. The Bible tells us that rain falls on the just and the unjust. So I don't expect to escape life unscathed. I have seen comments people I don't even know are making because they've read my blog. "Incredible faith," "amazing woman," "sweet christian..." I take those compliments as a reflection of the peace that God has given me. But I am not as perfect as this makes me sound...however, God IS growing my faith, and He is allowing you to see it. So there must be a purpose in all of this. Without the cancer, how would my faith be shown? If there were no trials, would you know I trusted God? No, of course not...there would be no way you could see it in my life. But today I cried. Today I felt loss. Today I said goodbye to something that has been part of my identity for my entire life.
And I can still tell you tonight that my God is good.
He is perfectly able to protect me from loss...but He may ask me to die this little death for Him.
To show His strength growing in me more perfectly.
Maybe to remove one thing in my life that generates personal pride.
To allow me to worship Him more perfectly.
Maybe so I can really identify with someone who has lost an important part of themselves.
Whatever His plan, I pray:
"Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone and live so all might see the strength to follow Your commands could never come from me. Oh, Father, use my ransomed life in any way you choose, and let my song forever be, "my only boast is You!" Hallelujah, all I have is Christ, hallelujah, Jesus is my life!"
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever will lose his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 16:24-25